My younger-self would put rich and famous people on a pedestal.
I needed to find happiness. Because I hated my life.
I assumed whenever I was in stress, I thought I was an abnormal kid.
I envied the rich and famous people. Because I kept dreaming to be like them.
Pursuing and chasing to be rich and famous was my goal to fulfilling my happiness. I believed money would solve everything.
For instance, I idolized NBA legend Kobe Bryant when I was growing up since he was drafted straight from high school as a 17-year-old kid in 1996. (He retired in 2016.) I wanted to be like him. My dream was to follow his footsteps.
He was perfect until he was accused from a sexual assault to a 19-year-old woman in 2003. (It could be true or not. No one knows. But him.)
Someone was speculating about it at the time. He told me Bryant paid the woman to remain quiet.
It happened two months after my sister passed away.
Life didn't make sense to me anymore. I wasn't sure what was my purpose in life. I lost a loved one. My childhood idol wasn't who I thought he was.
I couldn't accept my sister's death. I hated Bryant. (It took me a year to accept his mistake or rumor. I needed to process.) I decided to shut myself down from watching basketball for a year too. I didn't get to watch the rookie NBA player LeBron James at the time.
Everything around me went crashing down. It made me question about life.
My younger-self assumed rich and famous people are perfect (and they must remain perfect until they die). I thought they knew it all.
Someone told me to not listen to any celebrities if they opened up about their flaws, mistakes, and weaknesses. Because they would be lying. And they just wanted your attention.
It meant being honest and vulnerable to others isn't an exception.
My younger-self became what I saw and heard. I became paranoid.
NBA player Stephen Curry, and professional tennis player Roger Federer seem to have perfect careers, lives, and personalities. It's rare to see beloved, whole-hearted superstars.
Who can't hate them? If I did hate them, I was jealous.
One day, Curry and Federer can get a mistake. Most people will be surprised. (And the haters will be happy.)
They are human too. They have feelings too.
For instance, professional tennis player Rafael Nadal was rattled by a reporter asking him a foolish question. The reported asked Nadal if his recent marriage from his long-time girlfriend affected his one match losing to Alexander Zverev.
"That's bullshit," he replied to the reporter in one of his comments.
Anger took over Nadal's mind.
I told someone about Nadal's frustration from the reporter. He believed Nadal was wrong. He called it "unethical." Because he is rich and famous. And he should never do anything wrong.
My younger-self would find any type of excuse if I did something wrong.
It's okay. I did wrong. I'm not rich and famous.
"I realized the reason I was living the cliche of money can't buy happiness. Along the way, I had become so myopically focused on this promise I'd made to myself as a kid," Tom Bilyeu talks about finding your purpose in life on Goalcast. "'That I never stopped to ask, 'Why do I want to get rich?' The questions you ask yourself will determine the course of your life."
He continued, "I had been asking myself, 'What do I need to do to get rich?' And it left me really unhappy. So I changed the question, and I started asking, 'What would I do and love every day, even I were failing?'"
"I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that it's not the answer," Actor Jim Carrey quoted.
How did I stop idolizing rich and famous people?
No one is perfect. I realized comparing others made me feel better. It was unhealthy.
I observe others (such as anyone or everyone). I understand them. I listen to them. And I learn from them. I have tolerance. The shared stories from others can inspire or motivate me.
I've written 199 blog entries, including this post, since 2016.
I need to continue blogging. It's therapeutic for me. Blogging allows me to be honest and vulnerable.
Last blog entry, My Sex Life, might've been the most difficult to read and process.
I wasn't concerned and worried about posting it. Because I'm not seeking any validation and attention to others.
"In fact, many people find it extremely difficult to talk about sex; it can be a sensitive and awkward topic that raises feelings fo embarrassment, shame or inadequacy," Matty Silver writes in her article, Why is it so Difficult to Talk about Sex?
To come to think about it. I think I was trying to impress you when I released blog entry, My Sex Life.
I'm comfortable with my sexuality.
I like sex.
My younger-self wouldn't open to you about my sexuality. Because I would get embarrassed or be shamed by others.
Society and anxiety would say: "You are too much. You are thirsty. You are horny."
And it would stop me from being honest and vulnerable. Say what you want. It's impossible to please everyone.
The last time I talked to my tennis and basketball coach was on a Tuesday afternoon on October 30, 2018 at 3PST. It has been one year now. (Time goes by fast. It never stops.) His last missed phone call from me was on Wednesday, October 31 at 7:58pm. (My cousin and I were heading to a brewery. We decided to have him join us.)
Coach was reported dead on Sunday, November 4, 2018. He was found laying on his living room floor. I believe he was gone earlier.
The Golden State Warriors have suffered huge losses on their first two games at the start of the NBA season. And it's going to be a long season. I'm used to seeing them play as the juggernaut team for the last 5 years.
They've given us 3 rings since 2014. And they have appeared in the NBA Finals for the last 5 years. The Warriors have won 3 out of the 5 years. (That's 60%. That's impressive.)
I wrote an old blog entry, Respect the Lady, on June 27, 2017. I decide to write an updated version.
Here are ways I start communicating with a lady:
Then I would receive no word from the lady. Or she would tell me she has a boyfriend, or she's not interested.
It gets frustrating and disappointing. But it's understanding. It's good to know I tried at least. I will never know unless I try.
This event is on its 5th year. (It's 10-15 minutes away from home as well. The tickets are cheap ranging from $5-$20.) I was able to see up-and-coming players, like 17-year-old Jack Draper and 18-year-old Brandon Nakashima, and struggling players, like Stevie Johnson, seeking points to move their ranking up.
A friend told me about the 2019 Fairfield Challenger. He told me the attendance has improved every year. I watched alone almost every day except day 1. I would run into meeting at least one person per day, such as a ballboy, a linesman, an old friend, or a stranger.
Positive and negative thoughts in my head. They come and go.
It's a challenge every single day to prioritize and invest in my mental health. It's being able to practice and train my mind.
I can't forget about my negative thoughts in my head. And I can't erase them too. It's impossible. Because they will haunt me one day. And I'll blow up.
It has happened to me before.
For instance, I held long-time grudges to my family, friends, and relatives before. I have apologized to them. And we were able to reconcile with each other. I'm at peace now.
Tom DeLonge used to be in the punk rock/pop band, Blink 182. (My sister introduced me to music when I was growing up. And Blink 182 was one of them.) In 2006, Tom started his own band, Angels and Airwaves.
He named the band in honor of his daughter's name, Ava.
I saw DeLonge for the first time live at Bill Graham Civic Auditorium in San Francisco, California on December 7, 2007. The event was Live 105's Not So Silent Night presenting various rock bands: Angels and Airwaves, Jimmy Eat World, Modest Mouse, Paramore, and Spoon.
Yesterday, my old friend David from elementary and high school contacted me through FaceBook Messenger. (I yelled and sweared at him in 2006. Anger took over my mind. Then I held a long-time grudge on him. My younger-self started grudges and created enemies at the time. I came at peace with David some time between 2016 and 2017.) I'll be writing a blog entry soon about my friend David.
"Angels and Airwaves are in SF tonight," he messaged me. "First live show in years I heard."
I received a letter to myself through the mail. I couldn't believe it.
I have written letters to my sister, uncle, coach, future girlfriend, and my high school self. I'm looking at the letters I have written in this blog. And I haven't written a letter to my sister yet. (I thought I did. A letter to my sister will be one of my future blog entries.)
I looked at the recipient's address on the envelope. And I saw my penmanship. I was in disbelief.
I didn't remember writing a letter to myself. And the return address was never written on the envelope. I thought I was being pranked. I was processing for about a minute. (Picture of envelope shown below.)
My friends and I decided to hit the computer lab during our free period. (It was 2nd period.) They were talking while I was playing around with Microsoft Paint on the PC. We were in our own bubble. Then the bell rang. And they looked at my computer screen for the first time.
I never liked school. I graduated high school in 2005. And I graduated from college in 2017. A huge gap of 12 years. Because I switched majors from Civil Engineering to Environmental Studies. And I never went to see a counselor. I assumed I took the correct classes. I was always a C-average student. Homework was my priority. It saved me from passing. I hated reading and writing at the time.
I can say this or that. But I wouldn't be where or who I'm at right now. I like reading, writing, and blogging.
This is my communication to you. And this blog is too.