Recently, I lost a loved one, my coach. He died unexpectedly.
(The last time I lost somebody so close to me was my sister in 2003. She died unexpectedly as well.)
I have known him, since 2006. Everything is a rush for me.
He made me become a better basketball, and tennis player.
Now, he's not here anymore. That's new for me. It takes a while to accept that he is gone. I am better now than my previous days.
It is not always easy to say, "Live in the moment,' when your loved one dies. I am human. I have feelings.
Earlier tonight, I was strong enough to open up about my strong relationship with Coach in his vigil service. I feel much better now.
What I said during his vigil service:
I forgot to end it, and say this, "Coach, I am gonna get emotional with you. I know you hate it. I love you, Coach."
I hated funerals. I always avoided talking about death.
You're born, you live, and you die.
When I die, I would like to be cremated. No need to visit, and maintain my gravestone. Most importantly, I wanna save land for the future generation.
My younger-self believed that only the closed "ones" should attend his or her funeral.
For instance, during my sister's funeral, many people were in attendance. I was in shock. I was selfish.
I asked myself, "Were they even close to her? Did they ever talk to her?"
Now, I see funerals differently.
So far, in funerals, it brings family, friends, and relatives together. Everybody is supporting each other in a sense of unity. Call that, unconditional love.
Last month, my mom and I attended my Uncle's vigil service. (For Catholics, a vigil is usually held the night before the funeral. Everybody comes to pray and remember the deceased one.) He is a long distant relative. I never met him in my life. I only knew of him.
(My younger-self would have not attended a funeral or vigil, if I was not close to the deceased one.)
During his vigil, my Uncle's best friend talked about him to everybody. I was in a bit of tears. Call that, empathy. My mournful Auntie, and cousin were in tears. I was sad. Again, that is empathy.
(My younger-self only cared for a funeral or vigil, if was I close to the deceased one.)
Now, I have a deeper understanding in funerals.
I have empathy, and unconditional love.
It's not always about me.
the state or custom of being married to one person at a time, or of having only one mate at a time
I am 31 years old. So far, I only had one girlfriend.
(We dated for about 6-8 months. I was in my early 20s. We were good friends for 3-4 years before that. It took me a while to ask her out at that time. I was afraid of rejection. Also, I did not want to lose her friendship.)
The relationship with my girlfriend at that time was very exciting. I learned a lot from her. Almost everything with her was new for me, such as traveling together to Washington DC, and many more.
(Before her, I struggled in meeting women. I had extreme social anxiety around women.)
Our relationship ended in good terms. I was young. I wanted to explore more women. I have been single for a while. (So far, I have learned a lot from dating.)
Stories of monogamy relationships from people I either have heard or seen:
I am at peace. I have a clean heart.
This is a huge challenge.
Things will not go my way.
For instance, a few nights ago, I was bit of annoyed at a music festival. My good friend and I stood in front of our big, concrete chairs. It was more visible to stand than sit.
Latecomers walked in. (It is bound to happen. You wanna come closer to see your artist.)
Anger is fine as long as it does not control you.
Here is a list of anger possibly taking over you:
Last Monday night, I had a meaningful and powerful dream. My sister was in it.
(The day before this dream, I painted her closet. Also, I decluttered her room. A few days before she died, she did tell me, "When I am gone, you can take care of my stuff.)
I am not a politician. I am not forcing you to change. It is tough to change. It took me a while.
To this day, I am trying to change (and learn.) It takes me a while.
When I was younger, I used to hate reading and writing. Now, I enjoy it. (I started on this blog, since a year ago or so.)
I used to be afraid in talking to anybody, especially women. Now, I can talk to almost anybody. (During my solo travel in China, I bonded with a 50-year-old man from Belgium, and a 67-year-old woman from the UK).
Heck, my sister died in 2003. I had no idea that I was gonna progress.
People can change.
For those of you, who do not know already, my sister was gone in 2003. I already have written many blog entries about my sister. (Find my search box, and type "sister" on it.)
15 years has already passed.
I gotta write about this. I use social media. I have a Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Snapchat account. I mostly use Facebook and Instagram.
I have thoughts in my head. (That is normal.) I react in social media. (That is normal as well.) First and foremost, I can now manage and navigate my thoughts. They no longer take control of me.
Here is a list of my reactions in social media (I have changed now. Therefore, it is a shorter list.):
-A pretty lady likes my FB post. I am mesmerized.
-I like posting pictures and videos on my IG story. So, I get to see my viewers. (From top to bottom order on your IG story list, the top person sees your IG the most, while the bottom person views your IG the least.) I am curious.
-I enjoy sharing my basketball videos in my social media. Heck, I have an only page, "Ball is Life." I wonder who likes it, especially attractive women. I am a show-off.
-Whenever notifications from my social media pop up on my cellphone, I wanna know who liked or commented on my post.
Social media does not take over me anymore. A few years ago, I was depressed by social media.
In my older blog entries, I explained that social networking is everywhere, and I gave a definition of my social media. Feel free to read them..
MY OLD-SELF IN ACT OF KINDNESS:
I treated others with kindness. For the reason that, I always expected others to be kind in return.
For instance, I used to like everybody's Facebook post, so you can like my post as well.
If I did not expect any kindness in return, I would be extremely upset.
For instance, my younger cousins came here in America from the Philippines. I sacrificed my time for them. I taught one how to drive a car. I tutored my other cousin with her homework. I picked up my other cousin from school. I lended my tennis racquet to my other cousin, so she can use it for her high school tennis team. I did a lot for them. I was hurt. They were not thankful and grateful for me. Therefore, I was extremely upset.
I admit it. I wanted something in return for them. I wanted them to thank me.
Now, I see that it is okay. I am happy from them. I do not hate them anymore. I am at peace now.
Go with what my cousins want. It is their choice. It is their life.
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