It is the capacity and ability to exert any type of motion, action, power, work, or force through the mind.

According to Cambridge Dictionary, energy is defined as "the power and ability to be physically and mentally active."

I heard about energy through playing video games during my childhood years.

For instance, I played a Super Nintendo game, Street Fighter.

I choose any character to fight against an opponent. Each competitor has an energy. Whenever my opponent attacks me, my energy decreases.

Last person standing is the winner.

I was defeated in combat whenever my energy was zero.

I always lost in the game. Because I never had a tactic to play. And I never studied the opponent's weakness. I only pressed any button on Super Nintendo controller to attack. And I would tap the same button.

I relied on beginner's luck.

"The art of war teaches us to rely not on the likelihood of the enemy not coming, but on our readiness to receive him," Sun Tzu wrote in his book, The Art of War.

​​I choose my time. And energy too.

My younger-self never took the time and energy to take care of the mind. Because I thought I knew everything. 

​I was an energetic kid only in physical sports, such as basketball and tennis. I enjoyed playing tennis or basketball all day. I never talked about energy. Because I assumed I had everything figured out.

I used to expend my energy in lying and impressing others. I had insecurity, uncertainty, and hesitancy.

And I had paranoia. I couldn't trust anyone. I assumed everyone was criticizing and judging me, even my family, friends, and relatives.

I was nice to others face-to-face. But I was never honest and vulnerable. I second-guessed their story. And I criticized and judged them. This created more secrets to myself.

I had a fear of someone always coming after me. Because I was told to watch my surroundings everywhere I go. I only overcame this type of fear by tightening my fists to be ready for a punch. It made me look tougher and braver than whoever was chasing me in my imagination. 

When things didn't go my way, I was angry. I blamed innocent people around me. I never took the responsibility and accountability on my mistakes. Because I had a huge ego. 

I chose enemies. And I started grudges.

I used to always oversee the future. I had severe anxiety. I was worried and concerned about the future. I wondered if I would have a great career and a wonderful family. I wasn't able to deal and cope with my anxiety. I would try to forget about it. But thoughts in mind would reappear. They would be flashing and racing before I sleep every night. Some nights I had trouble falling asleep. I was a harsh kid.

​I compared myself to others every day. It's what only kept me alive. I wanted to be better than others. It boosted my confidence and esteem.

My decision-making was more focused on others than myself.  Because I chose to please everyone. I believed it was a sense of empowerment.

This negativity drained my mind along with body. It was unhealthy. My old energy generated a wounded heart. 

"Your mind both produces and is affected by energy," Ilchi Lee writes in his blog, How is Energy Relate to your Mind?

He adds:  "When the brain is low on energy, it affects the functioning of the mind. You may experience forgetfulness, difficulty concentrating, and/or poor mood when your brain does not have enough energy."

I like the mind and body to be performing and functioning at an energy efficient level.

"There are two important factors to keep in mind. The brain requires this expensive electrical power to operate. And your brain never shuts off," Michael W. Richardson writes in article, How Much Energy Does the Brain Use? "Even when you're sleeping at night, the brain consumes roughly as much energy as it does during the day. While you rest, your neurons are constantly communicating, updating each other on what is happening. Their constant vigilance is where the bulk of the energy is consumed."

​The mind talks. And the body decides.

Richardson adds:  "Unlike muscles, which can store excess carbohydrates, the brain needs to be constantly supplied with oxygen and energy in order to run properly. If the blood supply to the brain is cut off or disrupted - like during a stroke or head injury - neurons start shutting down quickly."

​My new energy has healed my heart. It is to train and practice the mind every day.

And energy reminds me of choosing my priorities.

​I like to use the time and energy to interact, communicate, and connect with others. Because I want to hear their story. I learn something new from someone. Because everyone is different in their own way. 

​Eating healthy food provides energy. Similar to a car needing gasoline to run. It fuels my body. 

"All parts of the body (muscles, brain, heart, and liver) need energy to work. This energy comes from the food we eat," David McCulloch writes in his clinical review, How Our Bodies Turn Food into Energy.

I also use my energy to have a fit body. I like to lift weights. And my cardio is playing basketball or tennis. 

Before I sleep every night, I like to meditate for five minutes. It relaxes and processes my mind. It gives me a steady energy.

I need to rest, recover, and recharge my energy every time I sleep or nap. I sleep about 8-10 hours every night. And I take a nap about an hour or two during the day.

"Along with nutrition and exercise, good sleep is one of the pillars of health. You simply cannot achieve optimal healthy without taking care of your sleep," Joe Leech writes in his blog entry, 10 Reason Why Good Sleep is Important.

"The longest recorded time without sleep is approximately 264 hours, or just over 11 consecutive days," Carly Vandergriendt writes in article, "How Long Can You Go Without Sleep? Function, Hallucination, and More.
​
She also adds:  "After only three or four nights without sleep, you can start to hallucinate. Prolonged sleep deprivation can lead to cognitive impairments, irritability, delusions, paranoia, and psychosis."

I'm alive. I breathe in oxygen and breathe out carbon dioxide. My energy still exists. 

"May the force be with you," Star Wars character, Obi-Wan Kenobi, talks about it throughout his life. ​

I shall see how it goes.

"Habits often initiate routines. So for example, you might have a habit of answering an e-mail for an hour each day. And while you're answering e-mails, you're not totally on auto-pilot," James Clear, author of Atomic Habits, talks about habits in the Minimalists podcast. "You're thinking carefully about how to respond the message and so on. But it's often the habit. The automatic non-consciousness action of pulling your phone out of your pocket. That initiates the routine of responding the e-mail."

Clear also adds in podcast episode:  "A habit must be established before it can be approved. And so the very first thing to do is to master the art of showing up. It's not to worry about the performance. It's not to worry about what the writing looks like." 

I like to nap and sleep. Because my body needs to rest, recover, and recharge in order to function and perform. I'm left with 14 hours in a day.

I mentioned it in my previous blog entry, Priorities.

​I start my day by making my bed every morning.

"It will give you a small sense of pride. And it will encourage you to do another task and another and another. And by the end of the day. That one task completed will have turned into mini-task completed," Navy Seal Admiral McRaven gave a commencement speech about making your bed every morning at University of Texas, Austin. "Making your bed will also reinforce the fact that the little things in life matter. If you can't do the little things right, you'll never be able to do the big things right. And if by any chance, you have a miserable day. You will come home to a bed that is made that you made. And a made bed gives you encouragement that tomorrow will be better. So if you want to change the world, start off by making your bed."

I met a 75-year-old man at gym's sauna. He has a fit body for his age. And he looks like Morgan Freeman. (He said he gets it all the time.)

"Life is a lesson. Pay attention," he shared me a quote from his grandfather. "Because there will be a test."

For instance, I was scheduled to lift weights at 10am with friend. My dad knew. He still called me to help him in changing gym membership. My dad believed he can make changes to it. Since he is paying for my gym membership. Apparently the gym workers needed me too in order to process it.

One of my lifestyle habits is to lift weights.

My schedule was pushed back. I was 45 minutes late to see my friend. A conflict occurred. It was a test.

My dad could have done it another time. Because I already had a planned schedule.

​My friend waited for me. And we started our gym routine at 10:45am.

My young-self would have complained, sweared, and yelled at my dad. I felt frustrated and disappointed. I'm human. I have feelings. I realized it would not have gone anywhere. Because we would be getting mad at each other until someone gives up and walks away.

​I learned a lesson.

It's understanding who people are. And making adjustments.

​After I make my bed, I drink a cup of black coffee with a bowl of oatmeal. I take the time to be grateful and thankful for the breakfast. I single-task. I ignore my phone or any other technology. I only focus on my meal.

Then I choose to read a book or listen to a podcast for an hour or two.

I review and study for my realtor state exam. Because I failed last month. And I'll retake the exam by mid-July.

I take a mid-afternoon nap for about 1-2 hours.

I wake up from nap to blog and journal for about 2 hours. I need to write. Because it's my therapy.

I hit the gym. I meetup with a friend. I'm always early. Because I want to stretch my body before he arrives. We lift together 4 days a week. (Tuesday is chest day, Wednesday is back day, Thursday is shoulder day, and Saturday is leg day.) The days would switch up sometimes.

After I hit the weights, I would use a foam roller to loosen the muscles. Then, I would relax the muscles at a sauna for 20 minutes.

I'm not getting any younger. And I enjoy taking the time to take care of my body. 

I used to masturbate before I sleep. It was a bad habit. Now, I have replaced its habit from meditating for 5 minutes every night before I sleep. I sit down with my legs crossed as my hands touch knees.

Meditating has relaxed my mind to process and relax. And it's also my therapy.

I still masturbate here and there. But I have limited my time from it. I used to be a porn addict. (I'll talk more about it in one of my upcoming blog entries.)

Throughout my day, I engage in a conversation with anyone. I like to talk.

For instance, the man from sauna also told me about communication. It's having the sense of talking to anyone despite their age, gender, and color. He was surprised I was able to initiate and engage in a conversation with him. We had a great pleasure in meeting each other.

Some people wouldn't want to talk. I can read their body language. That's fine. I can't force them. I respect their space. 

"Humans need to bond. It is one of our most primal urges. So if we can't bond with other people, we will find a behavior to bond with, whether it's watching pornography or smoking crack or gambling," Johann Hari writes in his book, Chasing the Scream:  The Opposite of Addiction is Connection. If the only bond you can find that gives you relief or meaning is with splayed women on a computer screen or bags of crystal or a roulette wheel, you will return to that bond obsessively."

Other lifestyle habits throughout my day:

I message my buyers on FB Marketplace. Because I sell used material goods from decluttering my room, or taking free stuff from neighborhood.

I play tennis twice a week with Avi on Tuesday, and Ken on Thursday. I warm up. And I play a match against them. 

I play basketball once or twice a week. I would either shoot around alone or play a game of pickup basketball.

I like to compete in matches and games. It trains the mind to strategize on how to beat and study the opponent. And to overcome a comeback whenever I am down.

If I'm not competing, I will only learn and accumulate the knowledge in mind. And the body is not being able to apply, execute, and perform on the court.

Competition practices the body and mind altogether. 

I win. I lose. At the end of the day, I'm alive. And breathing. 

Same goes to tennis and basketball. I mentioned it earlier in lifting weights. I also go to a sauna for 20 minutes after I finish playing tennis or basketball.

I clean my teeth 3 times a day, or before I go out. I floss and brush my teeth. And I end it with a mouthwash. 

I used to skip flossing teeth. Because I was lazy. I have lost a lot of gum from it.

I shower once a day, or once every 2 days. I get dandruff. It must stay moisturized.

I declutter at least one item in my room almost every day.

"The average household has 300,000 items," Michelle Schroeder-Gardner writes in her article, 14 Shocking Statistics about the Things We Spend Money On.

I eat healthy. Because I do not take multi-vitamins anymore. I focus on eating less carbs, more greens, and more protein. I avoid eating salty foods. I hate salt. My only sugar I prefer to eat is fruits. 

I like to label my lifestyle habits. Because it acknowledges either my progression or regression. And it helps me to become a better person every day. 

Some days are good. And other days are bad. It's being able to trust the process every day. 

I used to see habits as goals before. It was unhealthy. Once I ever reached a goal, it became a finish line. And my motivation ended.  Then I went back to my old habits. 

"A calm mind, a fit body, and a house full of love. These things cannot be bought. They must be earned," Naval talks in his podcast. "Even if you have all the money in the world. You can't have those 3 things."

I continue to be consistent on my lifestyle habits as I work on becoming a realtor. And looking for clients to declutter their homes.

The mind talks. And the body decides.

Before sliding into the DM (Direct Message) was introduced, AIM (American Online Instant Messenger) existed. I met first girlfriend through AIM.

Our relationship started when I AIMed her:  "Hi, I am Marrianne's brother. You are my sister's friend."

My sister passed away in 2003.

I decided to AIM her friend 2 years later. Because I was 18 years old. And I was legal (and ready) to AIM her. She was mysterious too. I was interested in getting to know her. And I wanted to date her.

I assumed I might have a chance. Because I'm grieving and mourning from my sister's death. Her friend can comfort me. And this thought came to mind.

I believed her friend might judge me and my family from a tragedy too. Because my mind wasn't functioning and performing well.

I never met my sister's friend. I think she went to my house one time (or a few times). But I avoided her. Because I was a shy kid.

​I only saw her through pictures. I was a creepy kid.

Severe anxiety took over my mind. Every time my sister welcomed her friends, I went to my room. And I closed my door. Because I assumed I didn't want to embarrass my sister. My bedroom was my safe haven.

At the time, I was more comfortable talking to a woman through AIM than in person. I would prefer to type in front of a computer screen than talk face to face with an attractive woman. Because I had a low self-esteem. 

My sister's friend and I were AIMing each other here and there. I enjoyed chatting with her.

About a year, I chose to ask her out. Although asking her out was more of a meetup or hangout, not a date. But my younger-self would still be jumping for joy.

I was never upfront with her or any woman. I liked to play it safe (and be nice). Because I was afraid of losing a friend. And getting rejected.

I only tried reading a woman's body language if she ever liked me. I only went for signals. But it turned into mixed signals.

I realized I will never know until I take a risk. 

​My sister's friend and I became closer friends.

3 year later, I was able to take the risk. I talked to her face to face. And I expressed my feelings to her.

She was astounded and excited. Because she was waiting for me to tell her.

She was a new chapter in my life (in my early 20s).

Everything was an amazement and excitement. It was a rush.

​I liked her. I loved her. But I was more infatuated with her. Because I never experienced a girlfriend at all during my childhood or adolescence years. She was my first to experience everything. 

It was a Santa Claus effect. (That's what I call it.)

For instance, she introduced me to go out more. And she showed me more experiences. Because I would usually stay at home ever since my sister passed away.

My girlfriend and I went to restaurants together. She taught me to explore different restaurants other than eat my mom's cooking.

I never knew how to use a chopstick. Until I met her.

We went to see Kenny G in concert. A special moment happened when he walked closer to us. And he played his saxophone in front of us.

My girlfriend and I traveled to Washington DC. It was my first time to travel without my family, friends, and relatives. And it was also my first time to be far away from my parents.  

About 7-8 months has passed. I could not take it anymore. 

​The Santa Clause effect drained my mind and body.

Because I wasn't able to balance my time with others. I was always with girlfriend. 

I took her for granted. I did not respect her.

For instance, I explored other options. She had no clue. I went out with a classmate from school. I had a crush on classmate. I never told her I was taken. And I never told my girlfriend about the hangout (and to this day).

I created this. I was a jerk. Both women assumed I cared about them.

I only hung out with my classmate once or twice. And I decided to avoid her. Because I made a huge mistake with my girlfriend at the time.

​I was hiding secrets to classmate, and especially, girlfriend.

"She's your security blanket in a way," Kirtsen Corley writes in her blog entry, Someone Else is Going to Appreciate the Girl You Took for Granted. "The one who has been there when things have gone wrong, comforting you and building you up even when she didn't ask the same."

I decided to leave girlfriend. I called her by phone to end our relationship. I never had the courage to tell her face to face. My 21-year-old self was a coward. I told girlfriend to announce it as a mutual breakup.

We dated about 7-8 months.

The reason we split up was me.

My 21-year-old self blamed her.

And I would have said:  "I'm tired of her. I need my space. I'm always with her almost 24/7. I never had the time to see others. I'm stuck. She's the one to blame. I'm better off without her." 

It's not her fault. Because I was never honest and vulnerable to her.

And I always did tell her, "Communication is the key." I was such a hypocrite. 

I never told her how I felt about her. She wasn't able to read my mind if I never expressed my feelings to her.

Because I always wanted to impress her. I had a huge ego. Honesty and vulnerability would be a sign of weakness. I accused her for my mistakes and flaws.

I realized I was to be blamed in our relationship. I assumed it was a toxic relationship. But it was only me. I started it. And created it. Because I never invested in my emotional and mental health at all.

I would ignore others. Because I chose to always be with girlfriend. (We choose our time.) I  liked to please her. I assumed she would hate me if I spent time with a friend. Yes to her. And no to others. Because I wanted to be the best boyfriend.

It was hurting me.

My younger-self always escaped from negativity.

Whenever girlfriend and I argued, I would walk away from it. I needed space to apologize to her. And find a way to please her. I never took the time to resolve our argument or conflict together.

All I did was to forgive and forget. It was unhealthy.

I can say she was my first girlfriend as an excuse. And I won't. She was never an excuse. Because I will never learn from it for the next girlfriend.

​Again, I am the one to blame.

We became friends after our breakup. But it was different.

She still cared for me.

For instance, my tennis and basketball coach told me she always watched and supported your basketball games. And you never acknowledged her. She would drive alone to your game. And you would never offer her for a ride.

(The games would sometimes start late at night. She was brave to drive alone. And choose her time to see me play.)

I chose to give rides to my coach than her. I never invited her to join us. I was selfish.

Another example is she invited me to her college graduation.

​I'm glad to have attended her graduation in 2010. It happened on May 17, 2010. It was my sister's death anniversary as well.

"It's your special day," I told her. "I'm supporting you."

I think she and I decided to stop seeing each other as friends. I'm not sure when it began. Probably in 2011. I forgot.

3 or 4 years later, I decided to send her a friend request on Facebook. And follow her on Instagram. We would message each other hear and there since 2016.

​For instance, I messaged her on March 21:  "Earlier today, I'm slowly decluttering my room. I found a CD. It had this picture of us. Thank you for the memories."

​I also sent her a picture of me and her. It was taken on the day of her college graduation. I was happy for her. We both smiled. My smile in the picture was priceless. 

"Aw good times," she replied.

If you are reading this, I'm sorry. And I would like to reconnect and talk face to face with you. I understand if you are not able to. And I respect you.

​You are a good person.

Uncle Romel took my sister's life on Saturday, May 17, 2003.

He was 31 years old while my sister was 18 years old.

​(I am 32 years old writing this to you.)

​A year and a half later, he wrote a letter to my 17-year-old self and my parents. We each had a letter from him. (That was 3 letters total.)

​And we were surprised.

At the time, I was in denial. I was grieving and mourning. I was not able to function. I had no sense of purpose in life anymore. I could not accept my sister's death.

I hated my Uncle. I wanted him dead. I wished somebody would torture and kill him. I expected him to feel the same pain and agony as how he stabbed my sister multiple times using a kitchen knife.

"What do you want now?" I asked myself to his letter while my parents heard me. "What else do you want from us?"

I didn't open his letter right away. Because anger took over my mind. I was swearing and cussing at his letter.

​Finally, it took me about 15 minutes to open his letter.

​I was curious. Because I wondered what exactly was his message to me and my parents.

It was an apology letter.

(Picture of his envelope and letter shown below. Dated on December 27, 2004.)