My sister passed away on May 17, 2003. I chose to be alone. Because I was ashamed and embarrassed by others from my uncle losing my sister's life. I did not want to become attached to others. Because I would feel the pain and agony again once they die. I was better off to be alone.

My younger-self wanted others to judge me. I thought I deserved it. I assumed choosing to be alone was weird.

For instance, I was frightened to go to high school prom alone since I couldn't ask any girl out. Because of my severe anxiety.

And I felt lonely. Because I lost a best friend too. I was isolated from the world. I was a useless person from losing a sister. I had no sense of purpose in life anymore. I had thoughts of committing suicide. But I chose not to do it. Because I didn't want to hurt others more.

I hoped and wished I'll die one day. I prayed to God to take my life. I couldn't take it anymore. I wasn't able to accept my sister's death.

I'm surprised to this day I've grown and evolved as a person. Because I'm able to accept my sister's death. And to forgive my uncle. I continue to keep learning.

(I'm planning to get a tattoo of my sister's signature on my upper heart area. I copied Jhene Aiko's idea. Because she lost a sibling too. She has a tattoo of her brother's signature near her heart. And she's my celebrity crush too.)

​I have never felt lonely in a while. I feel good. I feel better. I live in the moment.

The last time I felt lonely was on December 2016.

Social media had taken over my mind. I would see everyone happy with their partner. (Social media is the highlight of everyone's lives.) Relationship goals were running in my mind. I was depressed to not being able to find a partner during the holidays. But society told me that.

I do feel lonely at times. I'm human. I'm not perfect. I have feelings.

​Positive and negative thoughts come and go in my mind. The mind talks. And the body decides. I'm able to label my emotion now. And ask myself a question on how to resolve it. 

I like to be alone. I enjoy being alone more than ever before. I'm able to love myself more than ever before. I like being single. I have more freedom. I can take risks. I can stop and process about life. I can scope and observe others. And what's around me.

”You cannot be lonely if you like the person you’re alone with,” Wayne Dyer quoted.

I go to breweries alone. I visit the library alone. I hit the sauna alone. I hike alone. I declutter and tidy homes alone. I read a book alone. I meditate alone. And I would somehow run into connecting with a stranger. I'm happy what I do.

”I look forward to solitary confinement. You leave me alone for a day. It would be the happiest day in a while,” Naval Ravikant talks on Joe Rogan’s podcast. “And that is a superpower that I think everybody can contain.”

I respect whoever I go out. I would have boundaries and barriers. It's true. I can't force or change someone. Because it's understanding who people are. And making adjustments.

For instance, I wanted to go further on a hike in Lake Tahoe. But most of my friends weren't able to tackle it due to the slippery, icy trail. I can only go with what I can control.

My younger-self never asked my friends to hangout. Because they would always ask me. Some days I would like to go out when my friends never asked. But I didn't want to use them as a crutch. I decided to stay home than to go alone. I had insecurity.

​My biggest fear was dying alone. Because my uncle lost his life from loneliness. Everyone (including me) ignored him when he took my sister's life in 2003. He was seeking unconditional love and support. The only decision for my uncle was to end his life in 2008.

My younger-self would struggle from loneliness. I would try to forget about it by watching porn all night. (I was a huge porn addict. I'll write a blog entry about it soon. I still watch porn. But it doesn't take over my mind and life anymore.) I was going for an easy way out. I was seeking for happiness right away. I wanted its dopamine-effect.

All I needed was a high-speed internet access, a lotion, and my phone. And alone time. I assumed porn was a remedy.

Porn never changed or fixed me. I would always create a cycle. I masturbated whenever I felt lonely. It was unhealthy. My anxiety and depression never improved or progressed.

I chose to go for fantasy than to aim for reality. Because it was effort-less to stay at home and watch porn. I didn't want to go outside and meet people.

My younger-self was always busy on online dating. I used to play it as a game. It was addicting. Because I would get only a few matches. I would keep swiping until I exploited its limit for the day.

My victory was whenever I had at least one match. Online dating was frustrating and depressing. Because a few of my friends were able to find their partner through online dating. 

Society told me to find a partner as soon as possible. And I was told to compare others.

It's being able to train and practice the mind every single day. 

I have no idea what's my biggest fear in life anymore.

Because I'm gonna die one day. (I used to hate talking about death.) I can't avoid it. I do not know how, when, and where I'll die. I can die alone. Or with others. Who knows?

​I'll be hated when I die. Because it's impossible to please everyone.

I posted an old blog entry, The Game is in my Blood, on February 12, 2018.

​It's about picking up women too.

But this is the updated version of it. Because I have grown and evolved from meeting women.

​I have always been nice to girls throughout my life. But I never expressed my feelings to them right away.

They never came to me.

My 26-year-old self decided to learn how to pick up women in 2013.

Because I felt isolated from the world. And I thought being single was abnormal.

"You're not actually connected with yourself," Sasha talks in his 5-minute YouTube video shown below. "You're not in alignment with who you are. You're not clear about what you want. You're just confused and lost. And you’re horny."

His video explained what "pick-up" taught me.

And I'll add more to it.

"Pick-up" pressured me to approach women right away before it's too late. Because I'll never see one of them again. And one of them might be my future wife.

For instance, I saw many attractive women in Vegas. My mind couldn't handle the pressure. It was too much. I stopped at the moment. "Pick-up" would say I have failed. Negative thoughts would take over my mind: "You are a sore loser." "You are a coward." "It's your loss."

​"Pick-up" forced me to approach women right away even if I was busy talking to a friend, family, relative, or anyone.

​For instance, I approached one right away in front of my conservative Uncle. He couldn't believe it in his eyes. He had never seen it before. But he was against it. He was worried and concerned about his surroundings. He was embarrassed and ashamed to be near me.

I hurt him. But I didn't care. Because "pick-up" told me to.

"Pick-up" pushed me to ignore everyone around me except women.

For instance, I was concentrated at chasing women. I didn't take the time to hangout with my friend, Kirby. I did shut him down in my life at the time. I held a grudge at him.

I got the worst from "pick-up."

For instance, Kirby's sister told me her cousin's friend, Faye, will be coming over at their house. Faye was visiting from San Diego. I liked her. I arrived at the house. I dressed to impress her.

Then Kirby arrived from work. He was surprised. And he gave me a dirty stare. Then he walked away.

(I was able to apologize to Kirby at that night. I apologized to him. We reconciled with each other. And I left without even talking to Faye. That was the right thing to do.)

"Pick-up" taught me to say whatever to women, such as any type of profanity or obscenity. I would say it with confidence. And I would stay my ground.

It backfired.

For instance, I liked Coach's family friend, Lisa. I said a vulgar statement on the phone to her. Coach was embarrassed and disappointed. He was never for my "pick-up." And Lisa felt disrespected by my statement.

I was called a "piranha" from Coach.

Another worst from "pick-up" happened.

I started the 3-year grudge from Coach.

I was self-centered from doing "pick-up." I only aimed for meeting attractive women. I continued going to the next one whenever I was rejected. I was focused on brainwashing and manipulating women to having sex with me. That was my ultimate goal.

I realized I never became myself. I was always chasing the ultimate goal.

I was able to come at peace with Coach last year.

I told Coach: "I know you were never for my 'pick-up.' I respect it. And I respect you. You were right. I was selfish. It's understanding who people are. And making adjustments. I was able to get out of my comfort zone for the first time in my life from learning "pick-up." I also learned how to overcome my fear from social anxiety by it. "Pick-up" showed me failure and rejection. I can apply these lessons to life. It's interconnected and connected. I am able to engage in any conversation to anyone. I was able to coach at a tennis academy, and travel overseas alone. Yuh I still like to talk to women. But I'm able to train my mind. I'm not the 'piranha' you saw before. I am in control now. I won't be pressured or forced anymore. When you're around, I won't talk to one. When I'm alone, I'll talk to one if I choose to. I go with the flow now. I approach a woman by giving them a compliment. Then I ask and listen. I want to hear more from her. And I’ll ask for her number too. I feel more relaxed than ever before. The blogging, traveling, and coaching have helped me along this journey. I like to be honest and vulnerable. This is the most I've talked to you. You would be the one talking a lot."

"I'm glad you have changed," Coach told me. "I'm happy for you."

(He died 3 months later. RIP Coach.)

"Pick-up" did shape me who I am today. I was able to find my self-love, self-purpose, and self-identity in life throughout this journey.

A travel buddy, Janine, told me to love myself first in order to love others. I'm able to love others. No more enemies. No more grudges. My purpose in life is to be grateful, compassionate, empathetic, honest, vulnerable, and forgiving. And to keep learning.

This is my identity now.