I am not a politician. I am not forcing you to change. It is tough to change. It took me a while.
To this day, I am trying to change (and learn.) It takes me a while.
When I was younger, I used to hate reading and writing. Now, I enjoy it. (I started on this blog, since a year ago or so.)
I used to be afraid in talking to anybody, especially women. Now, I can talk to almost anybody. (During my solo travel in China, I bonded with a 50-year-old man from Belgium, and a 67-year-old woman from the UK).
Heck, my sister died in 2003. I had no idea that I was gonna progress.
People can change.
For instance, my cousin could not drive far away for more than an hour. He would rather be a passenger, or else he would be asleep behind the steering wheel. This past weekend, he went on a long, fun road trip with his girlfriend. Together, they visited Arizona, and Hollywood.
It takes time to evolve, adapt, grow, and change.
People tell me stories.
Sometimes, you just cannot change (or maybe just not yet).
For instance, a man recently told me, "I cannot change. I am from the Philippines. I would always get beat up all the time from my father."
A boy told me, "I have realized that I was very shy and quiet. I had to, or else my father will physically, emotionally abuse me. Asking questions would not go anywhere. So, I remained quiet."
Now, this boy has grown. He remembers his past. He is aware of it. He has learned from it.
Whenever this boy becomes a father, he told me that he will be honest with his kids. Hopefully, they will be honest with him. He would rather tell them stories than give them lectures. He is against overprotective parents. He wants his kids to be vulnerable, so they can learn and grow.
I believe if you forget your "dark" past. It is gonna haunt you. As you grow older, your "dark" past is gonna haunt you even more. Every night, you might even have difficulty in your sleep. You can never change, if you forget your "dark" past. When something bad happens to you, you go on blaming your "dark" past as an excuse. You forget, and stay the same. The cycle goes on.
Be aware of your past, and learn from it.
Stay the same, or make the change. Agree or disagree with me. That's fine. Do what you gotta do. It’s up to you.
THE PAST IS REMEMBERED. LIVE IN THE MOMENT. THE FUTURE IS IN YOU.
For those of you, who do not know already, my sister was gone in 2003. I already have written many blog entries about my sister. (Find my search box, and type "sister" on it.)
15 years has already passed.
Today, I am listening to her music, such as NSYNC, Justin Timberlake, Phantom Planet, The Calling, Lifehouse, Michelle Branch, Avril Lavigne, Boxcar Racer, Blink 182, Incubus, Coldplay, and many more. (I gotta start creating her music playlist. Instead of typing for a song one at a time to listen.)
This is my first time to do this. From now on, I will start listening to her music playlist every September 25.
For the reason that, I was not ready to listen to her music continuously for hours, especially on her birthday. I was in tears. I was not brave enough.
Music is powerful. Every time I listen to her music, I remember the moments with my sister.
When she died, I was always dreaming about her. I had difficulty in sleeping though. It took me a very long time to accept her death. Whenever I was asleep, she was alive in my dreams. Whenever I was awake, I was in huge denial.
Other than unconditional love from my friends and family, my sister in my dreams saved me. I could have been dead. For the reason that, I had many thoughts in my head about countless suicidal attempts. Perhaps, my sister was worried and concerned about me. Thank you, sister.
Again, look at the picture of me and my sister. Ironically, we are closing our eyes together. Reality and dream come together.
Her music will never be outdated to me.
Happy birthday, Sister. I love you.
I gotta write about this. I use social media. I have a Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Snapchat account. I mostly use Facebook and Instagram.
I have thoughts in my head. (That is normal.) I react in social media. (That is normal as well.) First and foremost, I can now manage and navigate my thoughts. They no longer take control of me.
Here is a list of my reactions in social media (I have changed now. Therefore, it is a shorter list.):
-A pretty lady likes my FB post. I am mesmerized.
-I like posting pictures and videos on my IG story. So, I get to see my viewers. (From top to bottom order on your IG story list, the top person sees your IG the most, while the bottom person views your IG the least.) I am curious.
-I enjoy sharing my basketball videos in my social media. Heck, I have an only page, "Ball is Life." I wonder who likes it, especially attractive women. I am a show-off.
-Whenever notifications from my social media pop up on my cellphone, I wanna know who liked or commented on my post.
Social media does not take over me anymore. A few years ago, I was depressed by social media.
In my older blog entries, I explained that social networking is everywhere, and I gave a definition of my social media. Feel free to read them..
MY OLD-SELF IN ACT OF KINDNESS:
I treated others with kindness. For the reason that, I always expected others to be kind in return.
For instance, I used to like everybody's Facebook post, so you can like my post as well.
If I did not expect any kindness in return, I would be extremely upset.
For instance, my younger cousins came here in America from the Philippines. I sacrificed my time for them. I taught one how to drive a car. I tutored my other cousin with her homework. I picked up my other cousin from school. I lended my tennis racquet to my other cousin, so she can use it for her high school tennis team. I did a lot for them. I was hurt. They were not thankful and grateful for me. Therefore, I was extremely upset.
I admit it. I wanted something in return for them. I wanted them to thank me.
Now, I see that it is okay. I am happy from them. I do not hate them anymore. I am at peace now.
Go with what my cousins want. It is their choice. It is their life.
MY ACT OF KINDNESS NOW:
I continue on being kind, even if I do not expect anything in return. Honestly, it is impossible to please everybody. For instance, I cannot greet everybody a birthday greeting on Facebook.
I will try my best in being kind to the best of my ability. For instance, I offered in training my basketball skill and knowledge to a family friend. I want him to make junior varsity level in his high school basketball team. I will not force him. Most importantly, it is his choice if he wants to put in the time and effort with the trainer, like myself.
I have changed.
Focus on yourself being humble. No more validation. No more being obligated to.
I am my true-self. I am kind to you. I do not expect anything in return.
That is true kindness.
Yuh, I am single.
I am in no rush for a label, unless I am desperate.
I am picky as well. I have my standards in looking for a woman.
It is an adventure in searching for the one. I enjoy going on first dates, but it does get tiring.
My good friend just arrived home from a date. She told me, "I'm tired of dating. It was fine. The guy was nice but I didn't feel a spark."
I understand. It does take time and effort.
A few years ago, my older cousin once told me, "I do not want to get in a relationship right now. I do not want to get hurt, like how Auntie was cheated on her husband from a younger lady."
Now, my older cousin is dating a lady. I have never seen him this happy before.
In life, you just do not know. Things just happen. Relationships come unexpectedly.
No regrets, or else I would not be where I'm at right now.
For people who go on hearing and watching news. Then, they go on pointing fingers. I completely disagree.
For instance, remember the 9/11/01 terrorist attacks. You assume every Muslim is a terrorist.
(I have a Muslim friend. She is the one of the sweetest people I have ever known.)
Another example is a lone gunman, Stephen Paddock, killed 59 people and injured more than 500 others in Las Vegas on October 1, 2017. It was the deadliest mass shooting in modern American history. He was not religious. You assume every atheist is a villain.
(I have a good friend, who is atheist. She's like a sister to me.)
Last example is a teenage woman tragically, unexpectedly died from multiple knife stabs from her uncle. That was my sister. Now, what do you assume?
(Before, I was very uncomfortable to talk about my sister's death. I was afraid people will hate me. I was worried what other people will think about me and my family. Now, I do not care. It is impossible to please everybody. Say what you want. I cannot completely stop somebody from saying something. Go with what you want.)
That is news for you.
The past is remembered. Live in the moment. The future is in you.
I saw a romantic comedy movie, "Crazy Rich Asians." I watched it back-to-back. (The night, and the morning after.) The movie is about an Asian American lady visiting her rich boyfriend's family in Singapore for the first time. It explains the cultural differences. Most of its scenes relate to my life as an Asian American. (My parents are Filipino. I was born and raised in America.)
Since I watched this superb film, I am writing about this blog entry, "L-O-V-E."
Love is just a 1-syllable, and 4-letter word. L-O-V-E. Truly, love has many definitions to it. We each have a heart. That is LOVE.
To keep it simple, I will explain my meaning of "love" to my future girlfriend. (Yuh, I have already written two letters to my future girlfriend, "A Letter to Her," and "Another Letter to Her.")
- Unconditional love.
- A huge sacrifice, commitment, and dedication.
- A travel buddy once told me, "You gotta love yourself first, in order to love her (or anybody else.)"
- Empathy. We are human. We have feelings. Patiently listen to her. It's not always about me. (For instance, I feel really hurt when I see her crying. I am concerned.)
- Acceptance. (I love her for her. I cannot change her for who I want her to be. Go with what she wants. It's her choice. It's her life.)
- Imperfect. Arguments are gonna happen. It is a challenge.
- Resolving arguments together. (Forgive and forget is unhealthy. Just forgetting about arguments is heartless. Buying her a gift to resolve the argument is even horrible.)
- No such thing as "easy love," unless pay for sex. That is easy way in, easy way out. No problems, no arguments. (I should not be in a relationship, if I just want this.)
- Sexual intimacy. (It is more than just sex. More loved, more selfless, and more closer together.)
- Respecting my lady. I would not abuse her in any way physically, verbally, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
- Being open (and comfortable) with each other. No secrets. (If I have a problem with her, I will let her know. I would not talk behind her back, or else I am a coward.)
- Giving her space. (Go ahead. I do not own her.)
- Trusting her, even when she is away from me. (Honesty is very important.)
- Understanding her, and making adjustments.
- Remembering and celebrating the important dates together, such as her birthday, and our anniversary. (I cherish moments and memories with her. Most importantly, it is her "presence," not her "presents.")
- Falling in love, and staying in love. (The excitement, and commitment.)
- Dynamic duo together. Growing together through thick and thin. We decide together as a team. (No "I." It is us.)
I love her. She will read this when the time comes. We shall see.
In a nice way, I was telling him stories. I was talking about his problems. He was truly offended by my honesty.
As he raised his voice, he told me, "You are telling me that I am a messed up person!"
I answered nicely, "I am a messed up person. Nobody is perfect. I am a slow-bloomer for everything, such as finding a job. I care about you."
I witnessed his face of hatred. I could not even imagine. The person was extremely intense with his sharp eyes. He became more angry as he yelled more, while he was breathing heavily. He stared at me down, while I calmly looked at his hatred face.
My younger-self would have fought back, but it would not have solved anything. It would just get worst. Instead, I kept calm. He stopped.
A day later, I told the person with the hatred face, "I love you." I looked at his eyes when I said it to him. Apparently, he never looked at me. He just walked away.
A few days ago, I witnessed another face of hatred. She gave a wicked stare at her enemy.
Is it worth fighting for? Is it worth having enemies? Is this worth your time and energy?
I used to have a big ego, and a huge sense of pride.
Imagine if I am able to see my face of hatred before.
I am at peace now. I have no more enemies. I retire from holding grudges.
I feel very relieved than ever before.
We just don’t know.
So far, I have experienced a lot from it in traveling. I met a lot of people in China and in the Philippines. I have built meaningful relationships.
It is impossible to remain in contact with everybody. Also, it is impossible to please everybody. (I cannot greet a happy birthday to each of my Facebook friends.)
Things can change. Things do not normally go according to plan. This ain't a movie. Expectation is what we want, but this is reality.
For instance, I met a girl in Shanghai. We went on a few dates. I believe we had a spark. Now, we only contact each other here and there. It is understanding. We live far away from each other. Also, she is 15 hours ahead of me.
Also, I went on a few dates with a girl in the Philippines.
Imagine if I visited one of them again. Things can change. Who knows? I cannot read the future.
It goes with the saying, "Live in the moment." That moment with her. That was a spark.
People grow apart from each other. I cannot control the outcome.
No real answer in life. Things will just happen.
Identity reminds me of Lewis Howes’ book, “The Mask of Masculinity.”
One identity, one image forever. Bad identity, bad image forever. We stay away from them.
Stories written below are about my family and friends.
My uncle tragically killed my sister. Everybody ignored him. (Identity is killer.) Possibly, his life was taken over from loneliness. Unconditional love is powerful. (No support, no life.)
A drug addict has taken meth his whole life. His family have left him, except his loving son. (Identity is drug addict.) Most importantly, he has been clean from drugs, since 2016.
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