My sister passed away on May 17, 2003. I chose to be alone. Because I was ashamed and embarrassed by others from my uncle losing my sister's life. I did not want to become attached to others. Because I would feel the pain and agony again once they die. I was better off to be alone.
My younger-self wanted others to judge me. I thought I deserved it. I assumed choosing to be alone was weird.
For instance, I was frightened to go to high school prom alone since I couldn't ask any girl out. Because of my severe anxiety.
And I felt lonely. Because I lost a best friend too. I was isolated from the world. I was a useless person from losing a sister. I had no sense of purpose in life anymore. I had thoughts of committing suicide. But I chose not to do it. Because I didn't want to hurt others more.
I hoped and wished I'll die one day. I prayed to God to take my life. I couldn't take it anymore. I wasn't able to accept my sister's death.
I need money in order to live and survive.
I was told to study and work hard. And money will come to me.
I graduated from Sonoma State University with a BS degree in Environmental Studies. I do not want to pursue it.
I have worked multiple part-time jobs throughout my life. I have never experienced working any type of full-time job. My younger-self would be embarrassed and ashamed about it. Because of society. And a full-time job provides benefits.
I like to work in an efficient way (to the point where I don't need 40 hours a week). I stay healthy. I'll start investing in my money once I reach a good amount of capital. And benefits from a full-time job won't be needed.
I was told to get a girl. You need money. You must impress her.
Life is an up and down journey.
I have no idea whatever comes my way will ever be right.
My younger-self assumed I knew everything. Then I would hit a downward spiral. My depression and anxiety would kick in. I tried to forget about my mental health crisis. Because I was told to always be optimistic in life. But it would be impossible. I never wanted to acknowledge, realize, and accept my flaws and weaknesses. Because of my huge ego too.
Before sliding into the DM (Direct Message) was introduced, AIM (American Online Instant Messenger) existed. I met first girlfriend through AIM.
Our relationship started when I AIMed her: "Hi, I am Marrianne's brother. You are my sister's friend."
My sister passed away in 2003.
I decided to AIM her friend 2 years later. Because I was 18 years old. And I was legal (and ready) to AIM her. She was mysterious too. I was interested in getting to know her. And I wanted to date her.
I assumed I might have a chance. Because I'm grieving and mourning from my sister's death. Her friend can comfort me. And this thought came to mind.
I believed her friend might judge me and my family from a tragedy too. Because my mind wasn't functioning and performing well.
"Accidents are unexpected, undesired, unpredicted, anomalies that happen in our systems. They happen without warning," Todd Conklin talks in his podcast episode, Accidents Will Happen. "And what's amazing to me is that we built an entire mythology, and entire focal. I mean a big industry out of this under the belief that every accident is preventable."
Good and bad accidents occur. I never know when they will occur. Because I can't read the future.
When I was a kid, I was taught to always be careful and aware of my surroundings.
What did it mean?
Because I realized I can't escape death.
One of my Bumble dates lost her father from a car accident in 1995. She was only 6 years old at the time.
My tennis and basketball coach dropped dead on his living room carpet on November 2018. His dog barked at him. And was terrified.
I lost my sister from a tragedy on May 17, 2003.
I have never witnessed an accidental death in front of my eyes yet. But I have experienced accidents from personal injuries throughout my life.
Uncle Romel took my sister's life on Saturday, May 17, 2003.
He was 31 years old while my sister was 18 years old.
(I am 32 years old writing this to you.)
A year and a half later, he wrote a letter to my 17-year-old self and my parents. We each had a letter from him. (That was 3 letters total.)
And we were surprised.
At the time, I was in denial. I was grieving and mourning. I was not able to function. I had no sense of purpose in life anymore. I could not accept my sister's death.
I hated my Uncle. I wanted him dead. I wished somebody would torture and kill him. I expected him to feel the same pain and agony as how he stabbed my sister multiple times using a kitchen knife.
"What do you want now?" I asked myself to his letter while my parents heard me. "What else do you want from us?"
I didn't open his letter right away. Because anger took over my mind. I was swearing and cussing at his letter.
Finally, it took me about 15 minutes to open his letter.
I was curious. Because I wondered what exactly was his message to me and my parents.
It was an apology letter.
(Picture of his envelope and letter shown below. Dated on December 27, 2004.)
I sleep about 8 hours every night. I take a nap for about an hour or two every day.
One day is 24 hours. About 10 hours of my time is from sleeping. My body needs to rest, recover, and recharge in order to function and perform. And I am left with 14 hours in day.
It is being able to train my mind every single day, or else I will not be able to prioritize and minimize my time efficiently. (That is now a top priority in my life.)
Because I choose my time.
Every day is a challenge.
I was first introduced about priorities by reading Greg McKeown's book, Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less. (I read it about a month ago. I am slowly applying it.)
"Essentialism is not about how to get more things done; it's about how to get the right things done. It doesn't mean just doing less for the sake of less either," McKeown writes. "It is about making the wisest possible investment of your time and energy in order to operate at our highest point of contribution by doing only what is essential."
I continue to slowly declutter. And I would find something to remember, like old newspaper articles about my sister's death. She was stabbed multiple times from my uncle on Saturday, May 17, 2003. (I will save these articles.)
I never talked about her death at the time. I was embarrassed. I was scared. I was an insecure kid. I was focused on others more than myself. I believed people will hate me. I assumed people will think I am crazy. I always wanted to be alone. I chose to keep it a secret.
I remember the last day I saw my sister. She looked sad. My sister had a crush on her friend for a long time. But he never expressed his feelings to her. She was hoping he would let her know. My sister did have thoughts about letting him know. But she left it on pause. She had no idea if he liked her. She was clueless by their mixed signals.
I was playing a game of tag during recess in 1993. (I was 6 years old.) I tripped and fell. I lost control of my speed. My head hit the cement. I was unconscious. I suffered from a coma for about 2-3 days.
"WHY?" I asked myself.
I was 16 years old. On Saturday night, May 17, 2003, my uncle killed my sister. My sister was my (first) best friend. My uncle and I always played and watched basketball together. (He loved the game.)
3 years ago, I was jealous. Because my dad always pleased his brother, nephews, and nieces. I was in anger. I decided to shove my uncle. Then I front-kicked my dad. (My dad signed me up for taekwando classes when I was a kid. I hated it.) And I felt guilty. I walked away from them. Then I held a grudge against my dad for a month.
Last November, I received a voicemail from a friend. He told me his father has passed away. His father was my tennis/basketball coach, and friend.
Welcome to life.
I used to live life with regrets. (It haunted me.)
Negative thoughts appeared on my mind every day. (List shown below.)