I like this lady. She lives an hour away from me. We matched on Facebook Dating. And we have went on three dates. She's a full time student. And she works full time too. We continue to contact each other.
My feelings are talking now.
She won't be able to have any free time to see me for this year. Respect the lady.
My younger-self would blame her. I would assume she doesn't like me. And she's not into me. Then I would second-guess on her. Like it would be her way of saying no to me. I would think something is wrong with her or me.
"She's missing out on getting to know me even more," my younger-self would say.
My younger-self would be harsh on myself as I would hate on someone.
I see it's the timing now. And the uncertainty too. I have no idea what's right or wrong.
I can only go with what I can control. I can't force the issue. I can't control the outcome. Again respect the lady (and others).
I like to find a partner one day. And enjoy the 3 C's with her: Connect, cuddle, and chill.
All I can do is continue being humble, honest, and vulnerable to lady (and others).
"I'm nervous. I haven't gone on dates in while," I told the lady when our first date began. "I'll continue to be honest and vulnerable to you. You look pretty."
I can't expect anything in return too.
For instance, I took the lady out for a first date. I gave her a ride. I paid for her dinner. I paid for her cup of tea too. I counted everything I've done for her. My younger-self would expect something in return, like a first kiss from her on a first date.
Because a friend gave me this advice about the first kiss on first date. I don't blame it on friend. I always watched a lot of romantic comedy movies before as well. Go with what you believe in. You can say whatever you to me. I process about what people tell me. At the end of the day, it's up to me.
I didn't get a kiss from lady at the end of the night.
It was in my mind.
I was processing about my previous dates with women. I haven't experienced a first kiss on a first date. I was never myself every time I only focused on the first kiss on first date. Because I would feel pressured. I was never living the moment with the date.
My feelings were talking as well. I will have flashbacks. I can't erase or avoid them. Because the mind never stops talking. The past is remembered. Live in the moment. The future is in you.
I asked myself questions on how to resolve my situation.
Did you enjoy your first date with her? What happens now? Am I going to ask her out for a second date?
I enjoyed the first date. I asked and listened. The first kiss was on my mind. But it didn't stop me from being who I am.
"This can be the first and last time I see you. I have no idea. It's the uncertainty," I told the lady during our date. "I like you. I can't force or change you to like me. I respect you."
(I asked the lady out again. I offered to pick her up. She gave me her home address. Because we met at the restaurant on our first date together.)
I've been asking people who are taken about their first kiss on first date.
I want to hear their story. Everybody has a story to tell. Ask and listen. The art of curiosity.
Based on their experiences, relationships take time. First kiss on first date didn't happen for them. It goes with the timing again.
I talked to a friend on the phone.
He was telling me it's the awareness. It's being able to observe the lady during the date.
"You mean court awareness," I told him. (I use analogy in sports and life. Because they are interconnected. Basketball and life are interconnected.)
For instance, I did catch the lady checking me out on the second date while I was driving her to house. I glanced at her with a smile. Then I looked straight ahead at the road.
Mark Manson talks about honesty and vulnerability in his article, It's Complicated: Why Relationships and Dating Can Be So Hard.
"This is the reason that honesty and vulnerability are so powerful for creating high-quality interactions - the practice of being upfront about your desires and flaws will naturally screen for those who best suit you and connect with you," Manson writes.
He continues: "This kind of authenticity changes the whole dynamic of dating. Instead of chasing and pursuing or wishing and hoping, you focus on consistently improving yourself and present that shelf to the beautiful strangers of the world. The right ones will pay attention and stay. And whether you spend a night or a year with them, this enhanced level of intimacy and mutual vulnerability will help heal your emotional wounds, help you become more confident and secure in your relationships and ultimately, overcome much of the pain and stress of that accompanies sex and intimacy."
Timing isn't only for dating. It's for everything in life (in general).
For instance, it took me 16 years to forgive my uncle from losing my sister's life.
I'm able to be at peace with others. No more enemies. No more grudges. My heart has been healed. Same goes with my paranoia.
My younger-self would assume someone is always coming after me whenever I was alone. I would always look back over my shoulder. I needed to check for my protection. I would clench both of my fists whenever I believed I was being chased. Because I was ready to fight the imaginary enemy.
"To overcome an irrational fear, replace it with a habit," Simon Sinek writes in one of his blog posts. "If you're afraid to write, write a little, every day. Start with an anonymous blog, start with a sentence. Every day, drip, drip, drip, a habit. If you're afraid to speak up, speak up a little, every day. Not to the board of directors, but to someone. A little bit, every day. Habits are more powerful than fears."
I can only change my habit if I'm willing to replace it. It took time for me to change. It goes with the timing again.
At 32 years old, I meditated for the first time. I'm able to meditate for 10 minutes every night before I sleep. I started it since the month of June. Meditating has been one of my lifestyle habits.
A friend introduced me to meditation a few years ago. I wasn't able to apply it right away. I was processing. It goes with the timing again.
I observed someone. He would only come to me when he needed something.
It's understanding who people are. And making adjustments. My friend believed the person comes to me. Because he trusts me. It took me time to realize it.
It goes with the timing again.
I've played basketball most of my life. I never trusted my jump shot in games. I was afraid to take a jump shot. It was in my head. I only focused on passing and driving the ball.
It took me only earlier this year (or late last year) to read what the defense gives me. The defender gives me space. I go for the jump shot. I'm able to (finally) play within the game now. It took me time to realize and apply it.
It goes with the timing again.
My story lives on until I die.
We shall see if I'm able to continue to grow, evolve, and change as a person.
The timing will tell.
I've written 199 blog entries, including this post, since 2016.
I need to continue blogging. It's therapeutic for me. Blogging allows me to be honest and vulnerable.
Last blog entry, My Sex Life, might've been the most difficult to read and process.
I wasn't concerned and worried about posting it. Because I'm not seeking any validation and attention to others.
"In fact, many people find it extremely difficult to talk about sex; it can be a sensitive and awkward topic that raises feelings fo embarrassment, shame or inadequacy," Matty Silver writes in her article, Why is it so Difficult to Talk about Sex?
To come to think about it. I think I was trying to impress you when I released blog entry, My Sex Life.
I'm comfortable with my sexuality.
I like sex.
My younger-self wouldn't open to you about my sexuality. Because I would get embarrassed or be shamed by others.
Society and anxiety would say: "You are too much. You are thirsty. You are horny."
And it would stop me from being honest and vulnerable. Say what you want. It's impossible to please everyone.
I wrote an old blog entry, Respect the Lady, on June 27, 2017. I decide to write an updated version.
Here are ways I start communicating with a lady:
Then I would receive no word from the lady. Or she would tell me she has a boyfriend, or she's not interested.
It gets frustrating and disappointing. But it's understanding. It's good to know I tried at least. I will never know unless I try.
This event is on its 5th year. (It's 10-15 minutes away from home as well. The tickets are cheap ranging from $5-$20.) I was able to see up-and-coming players, like 17-year-old Jack Draper and 18-year-old Brandon Nakashima, and struggling players, like Stevie Johnson, seeking points to move their ranking up.
A friend told me about the 2019 Fairfield Challenger. He told me the attendance has improved every year. I watched alone almost every day except day 1. I would run into meeting at least one person per day, such as a ballboy, a linesman, an old friend, or a stranger.
Tom DeLonge used to be in the punk rock/pop band, Blink 182. (My sister introduced me to music when I was growing up. And Blink 182 was one of them.) In 2006, Tom started his own band, Angels and Airwaves.
He named the band in honor of his daughter's name, Ava.
I saw DeLonge for the first time live at Bill Graham Civic Auditorium in San Francisco, California on December 7, 2007. The event was Live 105's Not So Silent Night presenting various rock bands: Angels and Airwaves, Jimmy Eat World, Modest Mouse, Paramore, and Spoon.
Yesterday, my old friend David from elementary and high school contacted me through FaceBook Messenger. (I yelled and sweared at him in 2006. Anger took over my mind. Then I held a long-time grudge on him. My younger-self started grudges and created enemies at the time. I came at peace with David some time between 2016 and 2017.) I'll be writing a blog entry soon about my friend David.
"Angels and Airwaves are in SF tonight," he messaged me. "First live show in years I heard."
I received a letter to myself through the mail. I couldn't believe it.
I have written letters to my sister, uncle, coach, future girlfriend, and my high school self. I'm looking at the letters I have written in this blog. And I haven't written a letter to my sister yet. (I thought I did. A letter to my sister will be one of my future blog entries.)
I looked at the recipient's address on the envelope. And I saw my penmanship. I was in disbelief.
I didn't remember writing a letter to myself. And the return address was never written on the envelope. I thought I was being pranked. I was processing for about a minute. (Picture of envelope shown below.)
My friends and I decided to hit the computer lab during our free period. (It was 2nd period.) They were talking while I was playing around with Microsoft Paint on the PC. We were in our own bubble. Then the bell rang. And they looked at my computer screen for the first time.
I never liked school. I graduated high school in 2005. And I graduated from college in 2017. A huge gap of 12 years. Because I switched majors from Civil Engineering to Environmental Studies. And I never went to see a counselor. I assumed I took the correct classes. I was always a C-average student. Homework was my priority. It saved me from passing. I hated reading and writing at the time.
I can say this or that. But I wouldn't be where or who I'm at right now. I like reading, writing, and blogging.
This is my communication to you. And this blog is too.
I'm single. And I'm okay with it.
I'm a man seeking a woman.
I've been on dates. And I'm for it. (Because I'm still single.)
Each woman I've met or approached is different in their own way.
My sister passed away on May 17, 2003. I chose to be alone. Because I was ashamed and embarrassed by others from my uncle losing my sister's life. I did not want to become attached to others. Because I would feel the pain and agony again once they die. I was better off to be alone.
My younger-self wanted others to judge me. I thought I deserved it. I assumed choosing to be alone was weird.
For instance, I was frightened to go to high school prom alone since I couldn't ask any girl out. Because of my severe anxiety.
And I felt lonely. Because I lost a best friend too. I was isolated from the world. I was a useless person from losing a sister. I had no sense of purpose in life anymore. I had thoughts of committing suicide. But I chose not to do it. Because I didn't want to hurt others more.
I hoped and wished I'll die one day. I prayed to God to take my life. I couldn't take it anymore. I wasn't able to accept my sister's death.