I'm comfortable with my sexuality.
I like sex.
My younger-self wouldn't open to you about my sexuality. Because I would get embarrassed or be shamed by others.
Society and anxiety would say: "You are too much. You are thirsty. You are horny."
And it would stop me from being honest and vulnerable. Say what you want. It's impossible to please everyone.
I can be quiet. But it's impossible to stop my penis from going up (called a boner).
I went to a private Catholic school. They were liberal.
I liked how they didn't force me to believe in the Catholic faith or belief. My school wanted us to be more open-minded, even though I was shy and quiet at the time.
My school didn't teach me enough sex education. I didn't understand. Unless I wasn't interested about it at the time.
My teacher did say a woman has many holes in her vagina. I was puzzled. I wasn't able to research more about it. Because I never raised my hand in class. And I couldn't find anything online at the time.
My younger-self was introduced to puberty at 9 or 10 years old. (I don't remember.)
It was a sexy scene in movie, Edwards Scissorhands. A woman lured the young guy into the backroom. And she tried seducing him.
I was watching the movie in living room with my family.
My penis was slowly going up during the scene.
I was scared and excited. Because it was my first time to have a boner. I had no idea what it meant. Because the woman character in movie was a lot older than me. I covered my boner with a pillow. Because I was embarrassed to have it seen by my family.
My penis went back to normal a few minutes later. I was in shock.
I was getting wet dreams at 12 years old.
I thought something was wrong with me.
I would continue having a boner whenever I would see sexy actresses on TV. I remember the movie Heartbreakers with Jennifer Love Hewitt, and the TV show Friends with Jennifer Aniston.
My younger-self believed she's the "one" if I get a boner off of her.
I had no idea what sexual intercourse was.
My younger-self assumed my penis would have to go through the vagina. And it would have to stay in the vagina until my penis would soften. (Remember this. I'll bring it up later on.)
This was the time when I didn't get any free access to porn online. Porn wasn't free. (I had to visit adult stores to buy porn DVDs. It was risky. My DVD player was in the living room as well. Because I didn't want my parents to know. Now you can watch free porn anywhere in any device as long as you have internet access. It's scary.)
For instance, my younger-self never understood the movie American Pie.
I was first introduced to porn in my senior year of high school. I wasn't impressed or amazed. I was surprised how the woman was aroused by the man penetrating and humping her from behind. I thought the man was suffocating and killing her.
I began masturbating the same time I was introduced to porn as well.
I never used a lotion. I was able to still get it off. (I'm surprised my penis is still functioning.) No one taught me. I was afraid to ask anyone. (No YouTube or any of its tutorial videos at the time.) I was figuring things out by myself.
I lost my virginity when I was 21 years old. I had a lot to learn.
I've had sex with four women so far. I'll call them "lady." I won't mention their names. I'll keep it private for them. Because I'm telling you my story.
I struggled in sex. I was overexcited. But I suffered from premature ejaculation.
For instance, I ejaculated right away in my car. The lady was upset and frustrated. Because I didn't please her enough. I felt pressured. My penis was confused. It ended up looking like a hook. (When I say hook, it reminds me of the fictional character, Captain Hook.)
I never pleased the lady enough every time we had sexual intercourse.
I felt miserable. I was getting impatient. I kept struggling. I had to find a solution.
I researched online. I found a tip. It said to imagine an old, ugly woman while you have sex. It never helped me. I still ejaculated right away.
l found two things to treat my erectile dysfunction: A gel lotion advertised on TV, and generic pills.
It helped me. But it hurt the lady. Because I still had a boner while her vagina was finished and dried.
I never finished the gel lotion and generic pills before they expired. I tossed them into the trash can. And it was my last to use any type of penis enhancers.
One time, I almost got a lady pregnant. Because I didn't wear a condom for the first time with her.
"I think I went inside you," I told the lady.
Later that night, she took the morning-after pill. We were safe. She didn't have a kid.
(My younger-self could've had a chance of becoming a father. Because I was cheap. I always bought the cheapest condoms at dollar stores. I had no idea what I was thinking. I was lucky.)
I continued trying to get better in sex. But I still struggled.
In 2016, I was able to perform better in sex than my previous times.
My key was to listen to my body.
For instance, I knew when I would ejaculate. I rested my penis inside the vagina's hole for a few seconds once I would be near from ejaculating. (It reminds me of when I didn't know anything about sexual intercourse. The irony.) "I'm processing and resting," I told the lady. Then I continued having sex with her.
This helped a lot.
My uncle took me to a brothel in the Philippines last year. He wanted to let me experience it.
I would hear many stories from older Filipino men (or my Uncles) going over there. They loved the spot. It was their "happy ending."
I saw attractive women seated in a room through a clear glass window. Each lady had a huge number pinned on their shirt. I was still processing. I decided to go for it. I chose my number.
My uncle paid for me. He stayed and waited for me in lounge area.
I followed the lady in a small bedroom. Then we started to have sex with each other. She was cute. I liked her.
I was trying to connect by asking her questions. I read her body language. She was over there to just work. Her goal was to make me ejaculate right away. (More clients for her, more money for her. It's understanding.) While my goal was to connect with her.
My penis was still up (naturally).
I think it was about 35 minutes until the lady found the answer. She gave me a hand job. Then I went. (No wonder. I masturbate.)
I came out of bedroom. I saw my uncle worried about me. He thought I was captured or killed. I told him my story about her.
"I was able to keep it up. This was my first time to ever do this," I told him. "This will my first and last. This reminds me of masturbating. It's an easy way in, and an easy way out. I want to have sex with someone who I can connect with. Thank you."
This year, I was able to perform the best sex in my life. (My ego is talking now.)
My premature ejaculation is gone. I watch porn to learn and improve on my sex performance. It's mental too. I focus more on pleasing the lady than myself.
My key is to listen to my body, and especially, mind.
I've been meditating for 10 minutes right before I sleep since last June. (I meditate and masturbate. Then I sleep. It helps me go to bed. Good night.)
For instance, meditating and breathing has improved my sex performance.
My younger-self would get overexcited in sex. And this led to quick breaths in sex until I ejaculated right away.
I thought my penis always had to be hard like a concrete stone.
My younger-self assumed I had to harden my penis in sex until I reached its maximum. Then it would train my mind to have my penis ejaculate immediately. (Almost like a quick masturbation.)
I'm able to control my breath.
I slowly breathe, like I'm meditating, while I have sex. (My mouth is closed as I breathe in and out to my nose.) It keeps my mind in tune and in sync. The overexcitement fades. I focus on remaining relaxed and calm while I give her pleasure. My penis is hard (just right but not at its maximum) as it's living in the moment.
For instance, I made a lady get turned on multiple times in one sex.
It was my career high. I told her I had to be ready for you. Because my premature ejaculation happened with you last year. She enjoyed how I was able to please her. And she wanted more sex for the next two nights. I was on a streak. It was another career high. (My ego is talking now.) I never ejaculated too.
I have never done this before. I must ejaculate, or else I'll suffer from blue balls.
"Does size matter?" I asked the lady.
She was telling me size doesn't matter at all. And what matters is being able to perform.
My younger-self would just watch porn to have a quick dopamine-effect.
I would always masturbate by quickly stroking and firmly squeezing my penis. Because I wanted to ejaculate right away. (And I didn't want my parents to catch me in my room.) I enjoyed its sensation. I was more focused on pleasing myself.
My younger-self would never listen to a lady.
I always tried going my way. Because my ego took over my mind. I chose the sex positions. I believed the lady would see me as confident. (The lady will know my true colors once I premature ejaculate anyway.)
My younger-self preferred the lady to be on top of me. I wanted her to ride and do the work. My second choice was the missionary position where I can take control.
I asked a lady, "What's your favorite sex position?"
We tried it together. It worked. I pleased her.
I ask and listen.
I enjoy sex.
I can't and won't force a lady to have sex with me. It's up to her. Respect the lady.
Sex is one language as long as the lady and I understand each other. And we make adjustments.