Positive and negative thoughts in my head. They come and go.
It's a challenge every single day to prioritize and invest in my mental health. It's being able to practice and train my mind.
I can't forget about my negative thoughts in my head. And I can't erase them too. It's impossible. Because they will haunt me one day. And I'll blow up.
It has happened to me before.
For instance, I held long-time grudges to my family, friends, and relatives before. I have apologized to them. And we were able to reconcile with each other. I'm at peace now.
Tom DeLonge used to be in the punk rock/pop band, Blink 182. (My sister introduced me to music when I was growing up. And Blink 182 was one of them.) In 2006, Tom started his own band, Angels and Airwaves.
He named the band in honor of his daughter's name, Ava.
I saw DeLonge for the first time live at Bill Graham Civic Auditorium in San Francisco, California on December 7, 2007. The event was Live 105's Not So Silent Night presenting various rock bands: Angels and Airwaves, Jimmy Eat World, Modest Mouse, Paramore, and Spoon.
Yesterday, my old friend David from elementary and high school contacted me through FaceBook Messenger. (I yelled and sweared at him in 2006. Anger took over my mind. Then I held a long-time grudge on him. My younger-self started grudges and created enemies at the time. I came at peace with David some time between 2016 and 2017.) I'll be writing a blog entry soon about my friend David.
"Angels and Airwaves are in SF tonight," he messaged me. "First live show in years I heard."
I received a letter to myself through the mail. I couldn't believe it.
I have written letters to my sister, uncle, coach, future girlfriend, and my high school self. I'm looking at the letters I have written in this blog. And I haven't written a letter to my sister yet. (I thought I did. A letter to my sister will be one of my future blog entries.)
I looked at the recipient's address on the envelope. And I saw my penmanship. I was in disbelief.
I didn't remember writing a letter to myself. And the return address was never written on the envelope. I thought I was being pranked. I was processing for about a minute. (Picture of envelope shown below.)
My friends and I decided to hit the computer lab during our free period. (It was 2nd period.) They were talking while I was playing around with Microsoft Paint on the PC. We were in our own bubble. Then the bell rang. And they looked at my computer screen for the first time.
I never liked school. I graduated high school in 2005. And I graduated from college in 2017. A huge gap of 12 years. Because I switched majors from Civil Engineering to Environmental Studies. And I never went to see a counselor. I assumed I took the correct classes. I was always a C-average student. Homework was my priority. It saved me from passing. I hated reading and writing at the time.
I can say this or that. But I wouldn't be where or who I'm at right now. I like reading, writing, and blogging.
This is my communication to you. And this blog is too.
"Pleasure is short-term, addictive and selfish. It's taken, not given. It works on dopamine," Seth Godin writes in his blog entry, The pleasure/happiness gap. "Happiness is long-term, additive and generous. It's giving, not taking. It works on serotonin."
My younger-self would be confused with pleasure and happiness. I thought they were related.
Then I was always seeking and wishing for pleasure than happiness. I believed it would fulfill me. And I was aiming to please myself, and especially, others.
I wanted to be known. My desire was to be better than you. My goal was to be the happiest guy in the world. Because I thought it would cure me from everything.
My younger-self wasn't able to resolve any of my problems or mistakes.
I kept dreaming and relying for a pretty wife and cute children, a luxury car, a mansion, and a high-paying job. Because I needed an escape from life. I was waiting for a final destination.
This was pleasure. My younger-self assumed it was happiness.
My happiness is:
I'm single. And I'm okay with it.
I'm a man seeking a woman.
I've been on dates. And I'm for it. (Because I'm still single.)
Each woman I've met or approached is different in their own way.
My sister passed away on May 17, 2003. I chose to be alone. Because I was ashamed and embarrassed by others from my uncle losing my sister's life. I did not want to become attached to others. Because I would feel the pain and agony again once they die. I was better off to be alone.
My younger-self wanted others to judge me. I thought I deserved it. I assumed choosing to be alone was weird.
For instance, I was frightened to go to high school prom alone since I couldn't ask any girl out. Because of my severe anxiety.
And I felt lonely. Because I lost a best friend too. I was isolated from the world. I was a useless person from losing a sister. I had no sense of purpose in life anymore. I had thoughts of committing suicide. But I chose not to do it. Because I didn't want to hurt others more.
I hoped and wished I'll die one day. I prayed to God to take my life. I couldn't take it anymore. I wasn't able to accept my sister's death.
I posted an old blog entry, The Game is in my Blood, on February 12, 2018.
It's about picking up women too.
But this is the updated version of it. Because I have grown and evolved from meeting women.
I have always been nice to girls throughout my life. But I never expressed my feelings to them right away.
They never came to me.
My 26-year-old self decided to learn how to pick up women in 2012.
Because I felt isolated from the world. And I thought being single was abnormal.
"You're not actually connected with yourself," Sasha talks in his 5-minute YouTube video shown below. "You're not in alignment with who you are. You're not clear about what you want. You're just confused and lost. And you’re horny."
I need money in order to live and survive.
I was told to study and work hard. And money will come to me.
I graduated from Sonoma State University with a BS degree in Environmental Studies. I do not want to pursue it.
I have worked multiple part-time jobs throughout my life. I have never experienced working any type of full-time job. My younger-self would be embarrassed and ashamed about it. Because of society. And a full-time job provides benefits.
I like to work in an efficient way (to the point where I don't need 40 hours a week). I stay healthy. I'll start investing in my money once I reach a good amount of capital. And benefits from a full-time job won't be needed.
I was told to get a girl. You need money. You must impress her.