Life is an up and down journey.
I have no idea whatever comes my way will ever be right.
My younger-self assumed I knew everything. Then I would hit a downward spiral. My depression and anxiety would kick in. I tried to forget about my mental health crisis. Because I was told to always be optimistic in life. But it would be impossible. I never wanted to acknowledge, realize, and accept my flaws and weaknesses. Because of my huge ego too.
For instance, my younger-self would be jumping for joy whenever a girl gave me her number. I was overexcited.
It takes step-by-step. It's a process.
I have her number. Is she willing to go on a date with me?
If the date happens, will she like me to go for another date?
And so on.
My younger-self would oversee the future about it. For instance, she could be the "one."
If it didn't come my way, I would be sad and upset. Negative thoughts and voices would be racing my mind. I would overthink about why the girl hates me.
I'm okay if she doesn't like me. It's good to know now. Respect the lady.
My younger-self would be persistent by texting her to win her over for a date. I wanted to have a girlfriend right away.
It was a waste of time and energy. And I was annoying her.
I prefer to minimize and prioritize my time now. And I can only go with what I can control.
Relationships come unexpectedly.
I never know who I will run into every day.
For instance, I sold my friend's motion sensor trash can to a lady using FaceBook Marketplace on June 30. I told her I started on a decluttering business. And she told me her neighbors need help in decluttering their home as soon as possible.
I have helped her neighbors since last Monday. Because they must have it completed by Friday morning. The home is sold. And they'll be moving to Ohio.
The art of sharing, giving, and communicating.
"I've learned to embrace the unknown. I've learned to view surprises as an opportunity to grow," Simon Sinek talks about his infinite game in Cal Fussman's podcast. "I've learned to view surprises as something that are helpful rather than hurtful. I've learned to view when the plan gets punched on the side to say, "Ooh, that's an opportunity," rather than how do I force a plan to stay on track. I think that one lesson has probably been one of the most valuable lessons in my life. It's to view uncertainty as an opportunity rather than a liability."
For instance, I was waiting for my buyer at a parking lot in McDonald's. It happened today. I was selling him an air compressor from a client's garage I decluttered. He was running late. Because of traffic.
A lady saw me. She needed help to pick up a couch. And to unload it in her apartment.
I told her I'm waiting for my buyer first. I helped her until my buyer purchased air compressor. I gave her a price estimate. Because of my drive and gas time. She accepted it.
I had no idea this happened. It was the unexpected.
I was scheduled to play tennis with my hitting partner yesterday at 8:15am. The gate was locked. The worker didn't open it yet. My hitting partner and I waited until he came.
We started talking.
I told him more about my life. And I also told him my friend wrote a great piece about me learning, realizing, and accepting to forgive and reconcile with others.
This was the first time we talked for a long time. Because we hit more than we talk.
I will never know when, how, and where I'll die.
My sister and I always talked about moving out of parents' house. And living together. Then she died at 18 years old.
We say this. We say that. It can happen. It will happen. Or death stops it.
The past is remembered. Live in the moment. The future is in you.
Living in the moment is a challenge and test. Because I will get hurt one day. A loved one will die. And I can't control the outcome.
I will cry. I'm human. I have feelings.
So far I have lost a sister, an uncle, and a coach.
I'm able to live in the moment by meditating 5 minutes before I sleep every night. It helps me to remain calm. I started this on March 20. I'm planning to increase my time in a few months from now.
I'm 32 years old.
I only had one girlfriend in my life. My younger-self would assume something is wrong with me. Because I was brainwashed by society.
I'm breathing. And I'm alive.
I'm writing this blog to you. This is my 184th journal entry written.
It still shocks me to this day.
Because I struggled with reading comprehension as a kid. It was my worst subject.
And I failed the Written English Proficiency Test (WEPT) 4 times. I had to choose one of the 3 given topics. And I must write an essay about it within 2 hours. I needed to pass it in order to graduate Sonoma State University.
I passed it on the 5th try.
A few weeks ago, a friend surprised me. He told me I've read all your blog entries. I was a speechless for a bit. Because I was processing. I was happy beyond words.
I continue blogging.
"I need it," I told friend why I continue writing in his great piece, How to Forgive: Finding Peace From the Inequity of Life. "It's my therapy. Without it, I wouldn't be where I am, who I am right now. It's key to who I am."
I go with the process. And I expect to fail along the way. My younger-self assumed everything would go according to plan. I would be enthusiastic before it ever happened.
For instance, I was excited all day to ask my high school crush out for an upcoming dance event. Until it happened. I was nervous. I asked her out after school.
I was stuttering, sweating, and blushing. Her friends were laughing at me in the background.
I remembered she apologized to me. I couldn't take it anymore. So I decided to walk away. I hated myself. I kept blaming myself. I thought I was an abnormal kid.
My younger-self wasn't able to go with I can control.
Once I fail, I try to make changes and adjustments.
Throughout my life, I've been trying to figure things out. I was told to study hard and work hard. And hard work pays off.
What does it mean?
Is it what keeps me living?
Is it what makes me happy?
My younger-self would ask questions. But I was forced to listen than to ask.
I never had the time to process.
I have never worked 40 hours a week. I was told to work full-time, or else you won't be able to receive health benefits and retirement plans.
I rather work efficiently.
People can say whatever they want to me. At the end of the day, it's up to me.
I started this decluttering business since last month. I've already helped three clients.
I used to say once I apply and execute what I want. I would have it all figured out.
I ran into an old high school classmate yesterday at a brewery.
"I'm a slow, late bloomer. Because I had no idea what I wanted. I know what I want now," I told him. "I must apply and execute it."
I have realized I'm still figuring things out until the day I die.
It's the uncertainty.
I hit the finish line once I die.