187) Being Alone and Feeling Lonely
My sister passed away on May 17, 2003. I chose to be alone. Because I was ashamed and embarrassed by others from my uncle losing my sister's life. I did not want to become attached to others. Because I would feel the pain and agony again once they die. I was better off to be alone.
My younger-self wanted others to judge me. I thought I deserved it. I assumed choosing to be alone was weird.
For instance, I was frightened to go to high school prom alone since I couldn't ask any girl out. Because of my severe anxiety.
And I felt lonely. Because I lost a best friend too. I was isolated from the world. I was a useless person from losing a sister. I had no sense of purpose in life anymore. I had thoughts of committing suicide. But I chose not to do it. Because I didn't want to hurt others more.
I hoped and wished I'll die one day. I prayed to God to take my life. I couldn't take it anymore. I wasn't able to accept my sister's death.
I'm surprised to this day I've grown and evolved as a person. Because I'm able to accept my sister's death. And to forgive my uncle. I continue to keep learning.
(I'm planning to get a tattoo of my sister's signature on my upper heart area. I copied Jhene Aiko's idea. Because she lost a sibling too. She has a tattoo of her brother's signature near her heart. And she's my celebrity crush too.)
I have never felt lonely in a while. I feel good. I feel better. I live in the moment.
The last time I felt lonely was on December 2016.
Social media had taken over my mind. I would see everyone happy with their partner. (Social media is the highlight of everyone's lives.) Relationship goals were running in my mind. I was depressed to not being able to find a partner during the holidays. But society told me that.
I do feel lonely at times. I'm human. I'm not perfect. I have feelings.
Positive and negative thoughts come and go in my mind. The mind talks. And the body decides. I'm able to label my emotion now. And ask myself a question on how I can resolve it.
I like to be alone. I enjoy being alone more than ever before. I'm able to love myself more than ever before. I like being single. I have more freedom. I can take risks. I can stop and process about life. I can scope and observe others. And what's around me.
”You cannot be lonely if you like the person you’re alone with,” Wayne Dyer quoted.
I go to breweries alone. I visit the library alone. I hit the sauna alone. I hike alone. I declutter and tidy homes alone. I read a book alone. I meditate alone. And I would somehow run into connecting with a stranger. I'm happy what I do.
”I look forward to solitary confinement. You leave me alone for a day. It would be the happiest day in a while,” Naval Ravikant talks on Joe Rogan’s podcast. “And that is a superpower that I think everybody can contain.”
I respect whoever I go out. I would have boundaries and barriers. It's true. I can't force or change someone. Because it's understanding who people are. And making adjustments.
For instance, I wanted to go further on a hike in Lake Tahoe. But most of my friends weren't able to tackle it due to the slippery, icy trail. I can only go with what I can control.
My younger-self never asked my friends to hangout. Because they would always ask me. Some days I would like to go out when my friends never asked. But I didn't want to use them as a crutch. I decided to stay home than to go alone. I had insecurity.
My biggest fear was dying alone. Because my uncle lost his life from loneliness. Everyone (including me) ignored him when he took my sister's life in 2003. He was seeking unconditional love and support. The only decision for my uncle was to end his life in 2008.
My younger-self would struggle from loneliness.
I would try to forget about it by watching porn all night. (I was a huge porn addict. I'll write a blog entry about it soon. I still watch porn. But it doesn't take over my mind and life anymore.) I was going for an easy way out. I was seeking for happiness right away. I wanted its dopamine-effect.
All I needed was a high-speed internet access, a lotion, an old sock, and my phone. And alone time. I assumed porn was a remedy.
Porn never changed or fixed me. I would always create a cycle. I masturbated whenever I felt lonely. It was unhealthy. My anxiety and depression never improved or progressed.
I chose to go for fantasy than to aim for reality. Because it was effort-less to stay at home and watch porn. I didn't want to go outside and meet people.
My younger-self was always busy on online dating. I used to play it as a game. It was addicting. Because I would get only a few matches. I would keep swiping until I exploited its limit for the day.
My victory was whenever I had at least one match. Online dating was frustrating and depressing. Because a few of my friends were able to find their partner through online dating.
Society told me to find a partner as soon as possible. And I was told to compare others.
It's being able to train and practice the mind every single day.
I have no idea what's my biggest fear in life anymore.
Because I'm gonna die one day. (I used to hate talking about death.) I can't avoid it. I do not know how, when, and where I'll die. I can die alone. Or with others. Who knows?
I'll be hated when I die. Because it's impossible to please everyone.