 You can't sleep. You can't function. You're not able to stop your racing thoughts. You're more worried and concerned about others than yourself.
Everything you do in life is for others. You believe you're being watched. You assume that the world revolves around you. You want perfection from yourself for the sake of others. You make a mistake. You put yourself down. You keep it a secret. You're embarrassed. You believe being honest and vulnerable is for the weak. You expect that you'll be hated or shamed from others. You get paranoid. You enjoy talking about yourself to others. You like to run the show. You talk about how great you are. Nothing else. You choose to please everyone. You have a hard time saying no to others. You assume that you won't be liked or belonged. You're hoping that people won't need your assistance. So you won't give them a straight forward answer. You're afraid to ignore them. You're pressured to say yes to others. What keeps you from saying yes is expecting something in return. Giving comes from the heart.  Lagoon Valley Park, Vacaville, California Things don't go according to your plan. Expect for things to not go your way. Welcome to life.
Frustration has taken over your mind. You hear critics. You compare yourself from others. No one believes in you. You give up. You're fed up. You want out. It's difficult. You pray. You wish. You buy the lotto. You're waiting for your dreams to come to you with the snap of a finger. Good luck. You don't like asking help from others. You do want to learn. You would prefer any opportunity, advice, or story from them other than money. Money doesn't solve everything. "Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day," writes in the Bible found in a passage from Matthew 4:19. "Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime." Money givers might expect something in return from you. Be mindful about it. You don't want to be owned. You didn't ask for the money. It was offered to you. You believe that giving comes from the heart. Don't be a crutch from a money giver. You can't control or change anyone. Understand others and make adjustments. Your worst enemy is yourself. You have to suffer in order to grow. We live in an imperfect world. You've achieved a goal. You think that a completed goal has fixed you. The end isn't near yet. You have another goal to achieve. Your story continues. Death is your finish line. Prioritize your mental health. Have yourself a plan. Stop dreaming. Make it happen. Take action. Stay the course. Be resilient and persistent. Trust the process. It takes practice and patience. You'll get there. Where there's bad, there's good. You're alive. You're breathing.  My 4-year-old self with sister in Florida. Taken in August 1991. I think I was upset. I wasn't in the mood for a picture. I need to suffer in order to learn.
I suffered from losing a sister in 2003. She was my best friend. My uncle took her life. I hated him. I wished, prayed, and begged for him to die. (He lost his life in 2008. I still couldn't accept my sister's death at the time.) I learned how to forgive my uncle who lost my sister's life from blogging. It took me 15 years to forgive him. I had a hallucinatory experience from drugs in 2015. (This will be one of my future blog posts.) I suffered from the trip. I regretted it at the time. I learned from the experience. It unleashed my fear and paranoia for the first time. Because my ego would protect me from talking about them. I discovered more about the trip as a meaningful and powerful experience from reading Michael Pollan's book, How to Change Your Mind. The book explained how psychedelic therapy can offer a spiritual experience. The trip was therapeutic. It defined who I was as a person.  Tom Hanks plays Mister Rogers. The movie is about an angry journalist being assigned to interview Mister Rogers. And he has to write an article about him.
I remembered Mister Rogers when I was growing up. But I didn't enjoy watching him. I viewed it as a corny, cheesy show. Because I didn't understand what Mister Rogers was explaining. Before I watched Tom Hanks play Mister Rogers in movie, A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood, I read more about the life of Mister Rogers through Wikipedia. He hosted the preschool TV series, Mister Rogers' Neighborhood, from 1968-2001. Mister Rogers passed away in 2003 due to a stomach cancer. Watching the movie made me understand who Mister Rogers was as a person on and off the camera. He was still himself. Mister Rogers showed empathy and compassion around others. His motive was to service others, especially children, through his kindness. I like this lady. She lives an hour away from me. We matched on Facebook Dating. And we have went on three dates. She's a full time student. And she works full time too. We continue to contact each other.
My feelings are talking now. She won't be able to have any free time to see me for this year. Respect the lady. My younger-self would blame her. I would assume she doesn't like me. And she's not into me. Then I would second-guess on her. Like it would be her way of saying no to me. I would think something is wrong with her or me. My knees haven't given up on me yet.
I play pickup basketball for fun. I still have the speed and quickness. I might have lost one step. Because I'm not getting any younger. I always like going to my left. It's my strong side. Because I'm a lefty in basketball. (I play tennis with my right hand.) My younger-self only relied on my drives and passes. These were my strengths. I never bothered to take a jump shot, even if I were open. Because I wasn't confident. I believed my teammates would hate me. I wanted to impress my teammates with my strengths. I only took jump shots whenever I warmed up.  My sister's ballet class was finished. I grabbed her rose. My 4-year-old self was happy to see her. Photo taken in 1991. I've written 199 blog entries, including this post, since 2016.
I need to continue blogging. It's therapeutic for me. Blogging allows me to be honest and vulnerable. Last blog entry, My Sex Life, might've been the most difficult to read and process. (I just deleted it. I don't need to be 100% open to you.) I wasn't concerned and worried about posting it. Because I'm not seeking any validation and attention to others. "In fact, many people find it extremely difficult to talk about sex; it can be a sensitive and awkward topic that raises feelings fo embarrassment, shame or inadequacy," Matty Silver writes in her article, Why is it so Difficult to Talk about Sex? To come to think about it. I think I was trying to impress you when I released blog entry, My Sex Life.  Passeig de Lluís Companys, Barcelona, Spain. Taken on December 30, 2018. The last time I talked to my tennis and basketball coach was on a Tuesday afternoon on October 30, 2018 at 3PST. It has been one year now. (Time goes by fast. It never stops.) His last missed phone call from me was on Wednesday, October 31 at 7:58pm. (My cousin and I were heading to a brewery. We decided to have him join us.)
Coach was reported dead on Sunday, November 4, 2018. He was found laying on his living room floor. I believe he was gone earlier. The Golden State Warriors have suffered huge losses on their first two games at the start of the NBA season. And it's going to be a long season. I'm used to seeing them play as the juggernaut team for the last 5 years. They've given us 3 rings since 2014. And they have appeared in the NBA Finals for the last 5 years. The Warriors have won 3 out of the 5 years. (That's 60%. That's impressive.)  La Sagrada Familia, Barcelona, Spain. Taken on December 31, 2018. I wrote an old blog entry, Respect the Lady, on June 27, 2017. I decide to write an updated version.
Here are ways I start communicating with a lady:
Then I would receive no word from the lady. Or she would tell me she has a boyfriend, or she's not interested. It gets frustrating and disappointing. But it's understanding. It's good to know I tried at least. I will never know unless I try.  During my free period in high school, I was a senior. My friends and I decided to hit the computer lab during our free period. (It was 2nd period.) They were talking while I was playing around with Microsoft Paint on the PC. We were in our own bubble. Then the bell rang. And they looked at my computer screen for the first time.
I never liked school. I graduated high school in 2005. And I graduated from college in 2017. A huge gap of 12 years. Because I switched majors from Civil Engineering to Environmental Studies. And I never went to see a counselor. I assumed I took the correct classes. I was always a C-average student. Homework was my priority. It saved me from passing. I hated reading and writing at the time. I can say this or that. But I wouldn't be where or who I'm at right now. I like reading, writing, and blogging. This is my communication to you. And this blog is too. |
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