204) Suffering

My 4-year-old self with sister in Florida. Taken in August 1991. I think I was upset. I wasn't in the mood for a picture.

I need to suffer in order to learn.

I suffered from losing a sister in 2003. She was my best friend.

My uncle took her life. I hated him. I wished, prayed, and begged for him to die. (He lost his life in 2008. I still couldn't accept my sister's death at the time.)

I learned how to forgive my uncle who lost my sister's life from blogging. It took me 15 years to forgive him.

I had a hallucinatory experience from drugs in 2015. (This will be one of my future blog posts.)

I suffered from the trip. I regretted it at the time. I learned from the experience. It unleashed my fear and paranoia for the first time. Because my ego would protect me from talking about them.

I discovered more about the trip as a meaningful and powerful experience from reading Michael Pollan's book, How to Change Your Mind. The book explained how psychedelic therapy can offer a spiritual experience.

The trip was therapeutic. It defined who I was as a person.

My body suffers the next morning after I finish a physical activity, such as lifting weights, or playing tennis or basketball. I'm not getting any younger. I've sprained my ankle multiple times throughout the years from tennis and basketball. But it doesn't stop me from playing. 

I love keeping my body fit. It's one of my lifestyle habits too. I've learned to take care of the body.

​I listen to my body. I make adjustments to recover and recharge the body by hitting the sauna, steam room, and/or hot tub after a workout. I take a day off or two every week to process and rest the body.  

I need to learn in order to change.

Forgiving my uncle last year in February was the turning point in my life on how to forgive and reconcile others.

An old British lady shared her true story to me in Shanghai last year in May. She held a long-time grudge with her father. She found a letter in his house when her father died. It was an apology letter from him to her.

Her story changed me. It made me realize fighting and arguing isn't worth it. We are going to die anyway.

​I came back home to apologize to my coach last year in September. Because I held a 3-year grudge to him. I came at peace to him. We were able to talk about our problems with each other. Then he passed away two months later.
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I need to change in order to grow.

My younger-self had a huge temper. Anger would take over my mind. (You can see my anger in the picture shown above.) I created many enemies. I held long-time grudges to others.

For instance, I would bottle up my emotions. Then I would blow up. I front-kicked someone in the balls in 2013. I knew I did wrong. I walked away right after it happened.

I fought for something because it's what I believed in. And I had a huge sense of pride. My ego was talking.

I wanted power. I wanted the money. I wanted some type of importance-related to me.

I created a war. Disagreeing and arguing with others would go back and forth. Again I front kicked someone in the balls. It was closest to a bloodshed. Because anger can take over the mind.

I was trying to be right to someone. I didn't accept any tolerance.

My younger-self was forcing and controlling someone (or anyone) to change at the time. At the end the day, it was up to me. I decided to go with what I want. I was selfish.

I was mad at others. I wasn't at peace with others. My younger-self believed it would be a coward way to come at peace with others.

I was willing to change.

It goes with the timing if I'm willing to change.

I experienced losing a loved one in May 2003 for the first time in my life. I front kicked someone's balls from an altercation some time in 2013. My fear and paranoia were revealed from my hallucinatory experience in November 2015. I was able to forgive my uncle in February 2018 from losing my sister's life. I traveled solo in May 2018. And I heard a story about a daughter finding and reading an apology letter from her father when he died. I came at peace with my coach in September 2018 from a 3-year grudge before he died in November 2018.

It was a turn of events.

I need to grow in order to live.

My purpose in life is growth. I continue to be grateful, compassionate, empathetic, honest, vulnerable, and forgiving to others. I can't and won't expect anything in return.