199) Honesty and Vulnerability

My sister's ballet class was finished. I grabbed her rose. My 4-year-old self was happy to see her. Photo taken in 1991.

I've written 199 blog entries, including this post, since 2016.

I need to continue blogging. It's therapeutic for me. Blogging allows me to be honest and vulnerable.

Last blog entry, My Sex Life, might've been the most difficult to read and process. (I just deleted it. I don't need to be 100% open to you.)

I wasn't concerned and worried about posting it. Because I'm not seeking any validation and attention to others. 

"In fact, many people find it extremely difficult to talk about sex; it can be a sensitive and awkward topic that raises feelings fo embarrassment, shame or inadequacy," Matty Silver writes in her article, Why is it so Difficult to Talk about Sex?

To come to think about it. I think I was trying to impress you when I released blog entry, My Sex Life.

​A friend messaged me about it, "I sometimes wonder - does it mean I have power in my vulnerability when I just say EVERYTHING? And there's no more mystery."

"I don't know if there's a right or wrong answer to that," he continued.

I was processing about what he said.

I've never met or encountered anyone before who has been open about their sex life other than myself. I wanted to be special.

Mark Manson talks about it in his article, Being Special Isn't So Special.

He writes:  "I'm special. I'm unique. I'm doing something different. Look at me. I'm different, right?"

Blogging is my therapy. I also want to share my stories to my future partner, children, grandchildren, and so on.

"For me when it comes to sensitive topics like sex, I'll open to people who I trust and whose trust I am trying to earn," a friend told me. "I wouldn't just put it out there for everyone to see. But again, I'm evolving so it might change. Oh well."

"We shall see what your future lies ahead of you," I told him. "Same goes to me."

My Sex Life could've (would've and should've) been shared to my future partner. I can stop it by deleting the blog entry. (I did delete it.) But I can't completely fix it since my readers have seen the blog post right when it was released.

It has been done. Let it be.

But I won't be a mystery. More stories are told about me as I continue to live on. I won't be able to cover every story about myself to you. I'm still a mystery.

I can stop sharing my sex life to you as of now. (I have stopped sharing my sex life to everyone.)

"I guess. But people know about some of the most private things about you I guess," someone told me. "That's my point."

I need to be honest and vulnerable. (I choose not to be too honest and vulnerable to others.) But it's unnecessary to write every specific detail about me in each story I tell you. I'm not lying. I'm still being honest and vulnerable.

Life isn't an exam. It's a challenge. I could do something right or wrong. I have no clue. I can win or fail along the way. I have no idea. It's the uncertainty.

(Who am I to tell you?)

I used to have severe anxiety.

My younger-self hated being the shy and quiet one. My high school teacher would call me "it" in front of my class. I was embarrassed. I would remain quiet and shy. I would believe I was never accepted. (You become what you see and hear.)

Now I've embraced a moment of silence.

For instance, I enjoyed having a moment of silence during my first date with a lady. Because I'm remembered to live in the moment while I smile and look at her. The lady sacrificed her time to meetup with me.

My younger-self always stayed home.

I had to get out of my comfort zone.

I've approached attractive women since 2012. (I've developed a social skill. I'm able to talk to anyone.)

I've blogged since 2016. (My honesty and vulnerability grew.)

I became a coach at a tennis academy for a year in 2017. (It taught me to be patient. Yelling and swearing wouldn't go anywhere. It would scare my students. I was able to understand, teach, coach, and listen to them.)

I traveled solo in 2018. (Adjusted and lived the lifestyle. Heard more stories from locals, travelers, foreigners, and others.)

I posted My Sex Life a week ago. (I did share my private sex life.)

​I've been hitting the sauna since February of this year.

​I engage in deep conversations with anyone as we relax our muscles and clean toxins in our bodies.

For instance, I met a lady. She opened up to me about her life.

She is a married lady. She respects her husband. Her classmate likes her. But she only likes him as a friend.

She was asking me for advice.

It's powerful and meaningful when anyone I meet is willing to open up about their life to me.

For instance, I connected with a basketball friend Mark at a pickup gym. It was our first time to talk. Because we just play basketball. We never took the time to talk to each other.

He told me our friend from basketball had a heart attack on the court this past summer. He lost a long-time friend from a heart attack recently. His father passed away when he was only 15 years old.

"This was our first time to connect. Thank you," I told Mark. "I had a great conversation with you."  

So far I'm at a point where I've reached my peak at being honest and vulnerable. Since (again) I shared my private sex life. 

​I think about it.

I continue to be kind and humble to others. I don't expect anything in return.

I used to.

I was told to give than receive. Because I'll be remembered. And I might have a reward one day from the receiver. I was told to never accept gifts. And to say no. Because to show how much I care about the giver. 

I must not expect anything in return as I share my honesty and vulnerability to you. I must remind myself I'm not trying to empower you. Because I can forget what's my purpose in blogging.

I have to ask myself why I continue to blog.

(I've written two previous blog entries about it. I'll be writing an updated one soon.)

For instance, I was listening to Rich Roll Podcast episode on Mark Manson's Stop Caring What Others Think. (I find another example from Manson. He's one of my favorite bloggers and writers.)

Manson talks about how he suffered from an existential crisis:  "I had to remember like why I write. And I've always written. Writing has always been my own little kind of public form of therapy and everything I write. It's because it's stuff that I'm dealing with myself. And by writing about it helps me kind of process and understand my own values in worldview."

​The mind talks. The body decides.