181) My Embarrassing First Dates

I used to expect more from only a first date. I assumed it will be the best to remember if I ever have a deeper relationship with her. My young-self's mind was always dwelling in the past and overseeing the future.

My first so-called date was with Janine.

I assumed it was a date in my mind. I was jumping for joy when she said yes.

I was 16 years old at the time. This was a month after my sister passed away. I was grieving and mourning. I needed someone to comfort me. And I experimented it.

She was a year older than me. She picked me up from my house. I was awkward about it. Because she's driving. But I realized I don't have a drivers' license yet. We went together to see a romantic comedy movie, Alex and Emma.

I was overthinking during the so-called date. My anxiety kicked in. It was more of a meetup.

​I had many thoughts racing my head about initiating a physical contact with her. I wanted to wrap my arm around her during the movie. Or sit close to her. Or touch her hand.

I had no idea what the movie was about. I only remembered it featured Kate Hudson and Luke Wilson.

The mind was talking about going further with Janine.

My severe anxiety kicked in even more when she was close to dropping me off from my house. I remained quiet. I was nervous. I imagined to go for the kiss. I was hesitant. A hug only happened. And the date ended.

I wanted to stay longer with her. But I surrendered. I felt defeated and crushed.

It was a meetup again.

Another so-called date was with a friend. I believe I was either 19 or 20 at the time. I liked her. But I was timid to tell her. It took me a while to open up. And we started dating. She was my first girlfriend.

Back to me and her as only friends.

I picked her up from house. She looked sexy. She was stunning and glowing. Her makeup was done too.

I assumed she was giving me a sign. I said I'll make a move. But I never did.

We went to see a concert featuring Ne-Yo, Rick Ross, T-Pain, Trey Songz, and Lloyd.

The night was over. I never tried.

I beat myself again.

I approached this worker from my college, Sonoma State University. Her name was Jamila. I was paying for my daily parking. This was 5 or 6 years ago.

I asked for her number. She gave it.

I was excited. She was the first girl who I was able to take on a date with by getting her number.

We went to a Mexican restaurant. I was analyzing on what to do next. I never took the time to listen more about her.

I was reading her body language. She only saw me as a friend.

She looked bored. So I took her to a bench outside of restaurant. My mind wanted to make a move on her.

I never did.

Nothing happened. The date ended.

I approached this hot girl at a mall in Sacramento. Her name was Breanna.

I took her to a dessert spot in San Francisco. And then to Twin Peaks.

She was auditioning to becoming an actress.

"Let's audition now," I told her in my car as we watch the night view of SF at the top of Twin Peaks.

She was clueless.

"Go for a kiss on me," I told her.

She auditioned it.

We were kissing each other. And I decided to use my tongue more on the kiss right away. She didn't like it.

Because my penis was talking more than my heart.

The kissing stopped.

She wanted to go home.

I regretted it at the time.

My most recent embarrassing first date happened some time late last year. I matched her on Bumble. Her name was Amelia.

”I’m nervous right now,” I told her before I dropped her off at her spot. And I asked her, “Can I kiss you?”

She was confused. I read her body language. She was processing.

And she walked out of my car.

I was embarrassed. Because she didn’t like it. I respected her. I didn’t hate her.

​I live in the moment. I like to be honest and vulnerable to my first date. I respect the lady too.

I win. I lose. It doesn't matter. What matters is the lady and I were able to sacrifice our time together to meetup.

Physical contact is great on a first date. I used to see it as a lose if I did not make a move. If it ever happened, I called it a win. Because I enjoyed bragging it to myself, and especially, everyone.

My younger-self was seeking pleasure and attention to others.

Some day, I will have a future girlfriend. And she will like who I am as a person.