194) My Inner and Outer Confidence
Positive and negative thoughts in my head. They come and go.
It's a challenge every single day to prioritize and invest in my mental health. It's being able to practice and train my mind.
I can't forget about my negative thoughts in my head. And I can't erase them too. It's impossible. Because they will haunt me one day. And I'll blow up.
It has happened to me before.
For instance, I held long-time grudges to my family, friends, and relatives before. I have apologized to them. And we were able to reconcile with each other. I'm at peace now.
I have to label my emotions. And ask myself on how I can try to resolve them.
It's being able to turn the negative thought into a positive one. It seems easy to write and say. But it's not.
For instance, I seemed prepared and ready for my exam. Then the results were given to me. I didn't pass.
My younger-self would tell myself: "I'm dumb. I'm stupid. I'm retarded. I hate this exam. It's over for me." (Because I would be worried and concerned about what others would tell me. My younger-self believed I must show how much I hate myself for others to see it. So they wouldn't judge or shame me.)
I told myself: "It's frustrating and disappointing. All I can do is study and pass. I have to prioritize more. I can only go with what I can control. I'm human." (Because this is true. Beating and shaming myself won't go anywhere. Or else I would get depressed. And it happened to me. Last time was in 2016. It's being able to train and practice the mind to prioritize and study more in this exam.)
My inner-confidence is being able to be honest and vulnerable to you. My outer confidence is posting and uploading my basketball videos to you in this blog or social media. Or my outer confidence is whenever my ego is talking to you as well.
I care for my car's engine and performance more than it's appearance. Because I'm prioritizing on its inner-confidence. (My younger-self would prefer more of my car's appearance.) I'm more focused on my car being able to travel from point A to point B than it captivating in front of your eyes.
My younger-self would dress to impress you, and especially, girls. I was seeking attention and validation. Girls never went to me anyway. I had to come and talk to them. I never (and rarely) did. Because my severe anxiety would kick in. I assumed my outer-confidence in dressing well would lure and attract girls to me.
My younger-self would always say yes to others. Because I had a difficult time in saying no. My easiest way was to avoid others. And don't give an answer at all.
I was reading one of James Altucher's books. (I forgot what book it was.) And he talked about how to say no to others. He said to just tell others, "Sorry, I won't be able to make it."
This makes sense.
If my younger-self said no to you, I had to find something to tell you. Just in case, you would ask me, "Why come you can't make it?" If you didn't ask me the question, I would give you a white lie. Because I wanted to let you know how much I care about you.
It was my severe anxiety too.
Nobody asks me a question followed by me telling: "Sorry, I won't be able to make it." I realized it never (or rarely) happens.
Confidence is making it happen. Or I can avoid confidence by doing nothing and staying home all day and all night. My action decides what I choose: Inner-confidence, or outer-confidence.
I'll stop writing here. I have nothing to say.
I believe my inner-confidence is talking to you.