169) WHY

Stinson Beach, Marin County, California

I was playing a game of tag during recess in 1993. (I was 6 years old.) I tripped and fell. I lost control of my speed. My head hit the cement. I was unconscious. I suffered from a coma for about 2-3 days.

"WHY?" I asked myself. 

I was 16 years old. On Saturday night, May 17, 2003, my uncle killed my sister. My sister was my (first) best friend. My uncle and I always played and watched basketball together. (He loved the game.) 

"WHY?"

3 years ago, I was jealous. Because my dad always pleased his brother, nephews, and nieces. I was in anger. I decided to shove my uncle. Then I front-kicked my dad. (My dad signed me up for taekwando classes when I was a kid. I hated it.) And I felt guilty. I walked away from them. Then I held a grudge against my dad for a month.

"WHY?"

Last November, I received a voicemail from a friend. He told me his father has passed away. His father was my tennis/basketball coach, and friend.

"WHY?"

Welcome to life.

It is a test and challenge. Life is an up and down journey. Eventually, I will suffer again, and especially, die. I cannot avoid it unless I commit suicide. (I did want to kill myself when my sister died. I had suicidal thoughts in my mind.)

During Jay Shetty's podcast, he interviews David Goggin. Based on Goggin's life experience, he believes "the most important conversation is the one you have with yourself."

Goggin's challenge every day is being able to train his mind. He adds "do not find words to make you feel better."

His approach is to have an honest conversation. For example, in the podcast episode, Goggin's approach to his overweight days was telling himself, "I was fat. Don't find a kind word to say, 'I've gained some weight.' No, I'm fat!"

For instance, it took me 12 years to graduate from Sonoma State University. I never followed Goggin's approach. Because I was afraid to be honest with myself. 

I will try to apply Goggin's approach in studying for the realtor state exam. Because I have been lagging and procrastinating on my studying habits.

I need to suffer in order to grow. 

​If I dwell in the past and fear the future, I am expending my energy. It is only now. The time is now.

​The past is remembered. Live in the moment. The future is in you.

You choose your time.