 My 4-year-old self with sister in Florida. Taken in August 1991. I think I was upset. I wasn't in the mood for a picture. I need to suffer in order to learn.
I suffered from losing a sister in 2003. She was my best friend. My uncle took her life. I hated him. I wished, prayed, and begged for him to die. (He lost his life in 2008. I still couldn't accept my sister's death at the time.) I learned how to forgive my uncle who lost my sister's life from blogging. It took me 15 years to forgive him. I had a hallucinatory experience from drugs in 2015. (This will be one of my future blog posts.) I suffered from the trip. I regretted it at the time. I learned from the experience. It unleashed my fear and paranoia for the first time. Because my ego would protect me from talking about them. I discovered more about the trip as a meaningful and powerful experience from reading Michael Pollan's book, How to Change Your Mind. The book explained how psychedelic therapy can offer a spiritual experience. The trip was therapeutic. It defined who I was as a person.  Tom Hanks plays Mister Rogers. The movie is about an angry journalist being assigned to interview Mister Rogers. And he has to write an article about him.
I remembered Mister Rogers when I was growing up. But I didn't enjoy watching him. I viewed it as a corny, cheesy show. Because I didn't understand what Mister Rogers was explaining. Before I watched Tom Hanks play Mister Rogers in movie, A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood, I read more about the life of Mister Rogers through Wikipedia. He hosted the preschool TV series, Mister Rogers' Neighborhood, from 1968-2001. Mister Rogers passed away in 2003 due to a stomach cancer. Watching the movie made me understand who Mister Rogers was as a person on and off the camera. He was still himself. Mister Rogers showed empathy and compassion around others. His motive was to service others, especially children, through his kindness. I like this lady. She lives an hour away from me. We matched on Facebook Dating. And we have went on three dates. She's a full time student. And she works full time too. We continue to contact each other.
My feelings are talking now. She won't be able to have any free time to see me for this year. Respect the lady. My younger-self would blame her. I would assume she doesn't like me. And she's not into me. Then I would second-guess on her. Like it would be her way of saying no to me. I would think something is wrong with her or me. My knees haven't given up on me yet.
I play pickup basketball for fun. I still have the speed and quickness. I might have lost one step. Because I'm not getting any younger. I always like going to my left. It's my strong side. Because I'm a lefty in basketball. (I play tennis with my right hand.) My younger-self only relied on my drives and passes. These were my strengths. I never bothered to take a jump shot, even if I were open. Because I wasn't confident. I believed my teammates would hate me. I wanted to impress my teammates with my strengths. I only took jump shots whenever I warmed up.  Wetlands Viewing Area and Napa River Bay Trail, American Canyon, California. My younger-self would put rich and famous people on a pedestal.
I needed to find happiness. Because I hated my life. I assumed whenever I was in stress, I thought I was an abnormal kid. I envied the rich and famous people. Because I kept dreaming to be like them. Pursuing and chasing to be rich and famous was my goal to fulfilling my happiness. I believed money would solve everything. For instance, I idolized NBA legend Kobe Bryant when I was growing up since he was drafted straight from high school as a 17-year-old kid in 1996. (He retired in 2016.) I wanted to be like him. My dream was to follow his footsteps.  My sister's ballet class was finished. I grabbed her rose. My 4-year-old self was happy to see her. Photo taken in 1991. I've written 199 blog entries, including this post, since 2016.
I need to continue blogging. It's therapeutic for me. Blogging allows me to be honest and vulnerable. Last blog entry, My Sex Life, might've been the most difficult to read and process. (I just deleted it. I don't need to be 100% open to you.) I wasn't concerned and worried about posting it. Because I'm not seeking any validation and attention to others. "In fact, many people find it extremely difficult to talk about sex; it can be a sensitive and awkward topic that raises feelings fo embarrassment, shame or inadequacy," Matty Silver writes in her article, Why is it so Difficult to Talk about Sex? To come to think about it. I think I was trying to impress you when I released blog entry, My Sex Life.  Passeig de Lluís Companys, Barcelona, Spain. Taken on December 30, 2018. The last time I talked to my tennis and basketball coach was on a Tuesday afternoon on October 30, 2018 at 3PST. It has been one year now. (Time goes by fast. It never stops.) His last missed phone call from me was on Wednesday, October 31 at 7:58pm. (My cousin and I were heading to a brewery. We decided to have him join us.)
Coach was reported dead on Sunday, November 4, 2018. He was found laying on his living room floor. I believe he was gone earlier. The Golden State Warriors have suffered huge losses on their first two games at the start of the NBA season. And it's going to be a long season. I'm used to seeing them play as the juggernaut team for the last 5 years. They've given us 3 rings since 2014. And they have appeared in the NBA Finals for the last 5 years. The Warriors have won 3 out of the 5 years. (That's 60%. That's impressive.)  La Sagrada Familia, Barcelona, Spain. Taken on December 31, 2018. I wrote an old blog entry, Respect the Lady, on June 27, 2017. I decide to write an updated version.
Here are ways I start communicating with a lady:
Then I would receive no word from the lady. Or she would tell me she has a boyfriend, or she's not interested. It gets frustrating and disappointing. But it's understanding. It's good to know I tried at least. I will never know unless I try.   This event is on its 5th year. (It's 10-15 minutes away from home as well. The tickets are cheap ranging from $5-$20.) I was able to see up-and-coming players, like 17-year-old Jack Draper and 18-year-old Brandon Nakashima, and struggling players, like Stevie Johnson, seeking points to move their ranking up.
A friend told me about the 2019 Fairfield Challenger. He told me the attendance has improved every year. I watched alone almost every day except day 1. I would run into meeting at least one person per day, such as a ballboy, a linesman, an old friend, or a stranger.  Posing for a picture at Linda Falls, Angwin, California Positive and negative thoughts in my head. They come and go.
It's a challenge every single day to prioritize and invest in my mental health. It's being able to practice and train my mind. I can't forget about my negative thoughts in my head. And I can't erase them too. It's impossible. Because they will haunt me one day. And I'll blow up. It has happened to me before. For instance, I held long-time grudges to my family, friends, and relatives before. I have apologized to them. And we were able to reconcile with each other. I'm at peace now. |
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