 My sister's ballet class was finished. I grabbed her rose. My 4-year-old self was happy to see her. Photo taken in 1991. I've written 199 blog entries, including this post, since 2016.
I need to continue blogging. It's therapeutic for me. Blogging allows me to be honest and vulnerable. Last blog entry, My Sex Life, might've been the most difficult to read and process. (I just deleted it. I don't need to be 100% open to you.) I wasn't concerned and worried about posting it. Because I'm not seeking any validation and attention to others. "In fact, many people find it extremely difficult to talk about sex; it can be a sensitive and awkward topic that raises feelings fo embarrassment, shame or inadequacy," Matty Silver writes in her article, Why is it so Difficult to Talk about Sex? To come to think about it. I think I was trying to impress you when I released blog entry, My Sex Life.  Passeig de Lluís Companys, Barcelona, Spain. Taken on December 30, 2018. The last time I talked to my tennis and basketball coach was on a Tuesday afternoon on October 30, 2018 at 3PST. It has been one year now. (Time goes by fast. It never stops.) His last missed phone call from me was on Wednesday, October 31 at 7:58pm. (My cousin and I were heading to a brewery. We decided to have him join us.)
Coach was reported dead on Sunday, November 4, 2018. He was found laying on his living room floor. I believe he was gone earlier. The Golden State Warriors have suffered huge losses on their first two games at the start of the NBA season. And it's going to be a long season. I'm used to seeing them play as the juggernaut team for the last 5 years. They've given us 3 rings since 2014. And they have appeared in the NBA Finals for the last 5 years. The Warriors have won 3 out of the 5 years. (That's 60%. That's impressive.)  La Sagrada Familia, Barcelona, Spain. Taken on December 31, 2018. I wrote an old blog entry, Respect the Lady, on June 27, 2017. I decide to write an updated version.
Here are ways I start communicating with a lady:
Then I would receive no word from the lady. Or she would tell me she has a boyfriend, or she's not interested. It gets frustrating and disappointing. But it's understanding. It's good to know I tried at least. I will never know unless I try.   This event is on its 5th year. (It's 10-15 minutes away from home as well. The tickets are cheap ranging from $5-$20.) I was able to see up-and-coming players, like 17-year-old Jack Draper and 18-year-old Brandon Nakashima, and struggling players, like Stevie Johnson, seeking points to move their ranking up.
A friend told me about the 2019 Fairfield Challenger. He told me the attendance has improved every year. I watched alone almost every day except day 1. I would run into meeting at least one person per day, such as a ballboy, a linesman, an old friend, or a stranger.  Posing for a picture at Linda Falls, Angwin, California Positive and negative thoughts in my head. They come and go.
It's a challenge every single day to prioritize and invest in my mental health. It's being able to practice and train my mind. I can't forget about my negative thoughts in my head. And I can't erase them too. It's impossible. Because they will haunt me one day. And I'll blow up. It has happened to me before. For instance, I held long-time grudges to my family, friends, and relatives before. I have apologized to them. And we were able to reconcile with each other. I'm at peace now. Tom DeLonge used to be in the punk rock/pop band, Blink 182. (My sister introduced me to music when I was growing up. And Blink 182 was one of them.) In 2006, Tom started his own band, Angels and Airwaves.
He named the band in honor of his daughter's name, Ava. I saw DeLonge for the first time live at Bill Graham Civic Auditorium in San Francisco, California on December 7, 2007. The event was Live 105's Not So Silent Night presenting various rock bands: Angels and Airwaves, Jimmy Eat World, Modest Mouse, Paramore, and Spoon. Yesterday, my old friend David from elementary and high school contacted me through FaceBook Messenger. (I yelled and sweared at him in 2006. Anger took over my mind. Then I held a long-time grudge on him. My younger-self started grudges and created enemies at the time. I came at peace with David some time between 2016 and 2017.) I'll be writing a blog entry soon about my friend David. "Angels and Airwaves are in SF tonight," he messaged me. "First live show in years I heard." I received a letter to myself through the mail. I couldn't believe it. I have written letters to my sister, uncle, coach, future girlfriend, and my high school self. I'm looking at the letters I have written in this blog. And I haven't written a letter to my sister yet. (I thought I did. A letter to my sister will be one of my future blog entries.) I looked at the recipient's address on the envelope. And I saw my penmanship. I was in disbelief. I didn't remember writing a letter to myself. And the return address was never written on the envelope. I thought I was being pranked. I was processing for about a minute. (Picture of envelope shown below.)   During my free period in high school, I was a senior. My friends and I decided to hit the computer lab during our free period. (It was 2nd period.) They were talking while I was playing around with Microsoft Paint on the PC. We were in our own bubble. Then the bell rang. And they looked at my computer screen for the first time.
I never liked school. I graduated high school in 2005. And I graduated from college in 2017. A huge gap of 12 years. Because I switched majors from Civil Engineering to Environmental Studies. And I never went to see a counselor. I assumed I took the correct classes. I was always a C-average student. Homework was my priority. It saved me from passing. I hated reading and writing at the time. I can say this or that. But I wouldn't be where or who I'm at right now. I like reading, writing, and blogging. This is my communication to you. And this blog is too.  Carquinez Bridge, Vallejo, California "Pleasure is short-term, addictive and selfish. It's taken, not given. It works on dopamine," Seth Godin writes in his blog entry, The pleasure/happiness gap. "Happiness is long-term, additive and generous. It's giving, not taking. It works on serotonin."
My younger-self would be confused with pleasure and happiness. I thought they were related. Then I was always seeking and wishing for pleasure than happiness. I believed it would fulfill me. And I was aiming to please myself, and especially, others. I wanted to be known. My desire was to be better than you. My goal was to be the happiest guy in the world. Because I thought it would cure me from everything. My younger-self wasn't able to resolve any of my problems or mistakes. I kept dreaming and relying for a pretty wife and cute children, a luxury car, a mansion, and a high-paying job. Because I needed an escape from life. I was waiting for a final destination. This was pleasure. My younger-self assumed it was happiness. My happiness is: |
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