 Rest in peace.
You died at 18 years old. I'm 36 now. 18 x 2 = 36. This marks the 20th anniversary of your death as well. 20 x 2 = 40. I'm close to 40 years old. Time flies. Hey sister. I miss you. I love you. You're still here in my heart.  You're a single man looking for a lady. You say that you're open and kind. You communicate. She agrees with you. You say something. You're shut down by one mistake. That's it. You're not given a second chance.
You just don't know. Nothing works for you. Only the people with relationships know. Who knows? You went on a date with a lady. Everything was great until she asked money from you. It was tough for you to swallow. You told her, "Sorry I won't be able to." Then she ghosted you. You were talking to a lady from the Philippines through FaceBook Messenger for a year. You finally went on a date with her. You enjoyed the night. Then you came back home from the Philippines to the States. A friend told you to write a letter to her. You asked for her address. You mailed the letter. Then she ghosted you. I'm halfway from reading Suleika Jaouad's memoir, Between Two Kingdoms. At 22 years old, Jaouad's life changes once she's diagnosed with cancer. So far the book talks about life, death, and identity.
As I grow older, my identity changes. A friend told me to look back at your past for every decade in your life (not every year). I'm 36 years old. That's almost 4 decades of my life. Imagine if I get to connect and hangout with 26 year old self, 16 year old self, and 6 year old self. I would really love to. That would be highly unlikely.  Twin Peaks, San Francisco, California At the time, I would follow what I see and hear. I just went by the program. I had no idea what I wanted. I didn't have any drive or motivation for one passion. Because my anxiety and ego would stop me.
I had doubts. I didn't believe in myself. I had a low self-esteem. My younger-self would envision a better life by graduating from college, getting a high-paying job, buying a house, and starting a family. This was my dream. It's not what I wanted. Come to think of it, my life did have a purpose. It was jealousy. My younger-self wanted to be better than you. I hated it when you would succeed. The ego would take over my mind. It was unhealthy. My life still has a purpose. It has changed. It's survival now. I continue to work on my craft as well. Find your purpose in life.  You can't sleep. You can't function. You're not able to stop your racing thoughts. You're more worried and concerned about others than yourself.
Everything you do in life is for others. You believe you're being watched. You assume that the world revolves around you. You want perfection from yourself for the sake of others. You make a mistake. You put yourself down. You keep it a secret. You're embarrassed. You believe being honest and vulnerable is for the weak. You expect that you'll be hated or shamed from others. You get paranoid. You enjoy talking about yourself to others. You like to run the show. You talk about how great you are. Nothing else. You choose to please everyone. You have a hard time saying no to others. You assume that you won't be liked or belonged. You're hoping that people won't need your assistance. So you won't give them a straight forward answer. You're afraid to ignore them. You're pressured to say yes to others. What keeps you from saying yes is expecting something in return. Giving comes from the heart.  Lagoon Valley Park, Vacaville, California Things don't go according to your plan. Expect for things to not go your way. Welcome to life.
Frustration has taken over your mind. You hear critics. You compare yourself from others. No one believes in you. You give up. You're fed up. You want out. It's difficult. You pray. You wish. You buy the lotto. You're waiting for your dreams to come to you with the snap of a finger. Good luck. You don't like asking help from others. You do want to learn. You would prefer any opportunity, advice, or story from them other than money. Money doesn't solve everything. "Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day," writes in the Bible found in a passage from Matthew 4:19. "Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime." Money givers might expect something in return from you. Be mindful about it. You don't want to be owned. You didn't ask for the money. It was offered to you. You believe that giving comes from the heart. Don't be a crutch from a money giver. You can't control or change anyone. Understand others and make adjustments. Your worst enemy is yourself. You have to suffer in order to grow. We live in an imperfect world. You've achieved a goal. You think that a completed goal has fixed you. The end isn't near yet. You have another goal to achieve. Your story continues. Death is your finish line. Prioritize your mental health. Have yourself a plan. Stop dreaming. Make it happen. Take action. Stay the course. Be resilient and persistent. Trust the process. It takes practice and patience. You'll get there. Where there's bad, there's good. You're alive. You're breathing. Dear younger-self,
I'm 33 year old. I've found my inner-peace than ever before, but it's an everyday practice since we live in an imperfect world. You gain more experiences as you grow older. You'll learn more at a young age from following these tips I could've (and should've) learned earlier. They'll give you a huge advantage in life. Here you go:  I took a break from writing. I had to recharge. I'm not saying that I had no time to write. (We have time. We choose our time.) This blog wasn't my priority at the time.
I decided to stop writing in May. I needed to process during this pandemic. COVID is one to remember. The year is almost over. I'll be talking about the year 2020 to my future grandkids one day. Where there's bad, there's good.  You pick a side. You are belonged, liked, and united.
You pick no side. You are an outsider. You are forced to choose a side. You have freedom of speech, religion, press, assembly and petition based on America’s First Amendment. You have the right (and privilege) to protest, rebel, and etc. I respect your decision.  Last November, I began to declutter my material goods. I sold them through FaceBook Marketplace, or I donated them through Goodwill.
I first learned how to declutter from watching Netflix documentary, Minimalism. And reading Marie Kondo’s book, The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing. And reading Greg McKeown’s book, Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less. My mind was processing. Simplifying my life and other lives interested me. I challenged myself to understand, apply, and execute it. I started to run a business on junking and hauling. It did take time for me to pursue it. Because I was afraid of failure. I watched Minimalism in 2017. I was astonished by it. During the film, one person talking caught my attention: “The average American household has more than 300,000 items.” I was surprised. But I wasn’t ready to declutter any of my possessions at the time. I backpacked and solo traveled for the first time in 2018. I adjusted and lived their lifestyle. It’s not always about me. There’s more to the world than myself. I visited the Philippines, Spain, and China. I met locals, tourists, travelers, and others. Living an experience is more meaningful and powerful than buying a material good. That’s what I believe. We choose what we spend. I decided to start my own business on June 2019. This business can (possibly) work. America is a consumerism country. You buy and hoard. You are searching for your happiness. I junk and haul it one day for you. My job is to provide service for you. It’s a cycle. You are what keep the junkers/haulers as for myself at work. We are helping each other. Thank you. I expect my business to fail along the way. Running a business is tough, or else everyone would be starting a business right away. We shall see. I tidy your way. |
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