 You're 37 years old. You still live with your parents. You're single. (You've been on dates. It just doesn't work out.) You don't have any kids. You graduated from college with a BS degree a while ago. You're not pursuing it. You don't have a full-time job. You're self-employed.
That's me. It might not be normal to you. What is normal?  People would give me advice.
They would tell my younger-self, "Follow your passion." It means going with what makes you happy. My younger-self wasn't passionate about anything. I hated school. I wasn't the smartest student. I always finished my homework in order to pass my classes. School wasn't my passion. My only escape from school was playing basketball and tennis. I would choose sports over school any day. Playing sports wasn't my passion though.  Your 11th grade photo given to me. You told me that the school yearbook didn't post your photo. Dear Sister,
Yesterday was your birthday. Happy belated birthday. You were born in 1984. You would be 39. You were gone on Saturday, May 17, 2003. I was 16 years old at the time. I couldn't accept your death. I should've been there. I was in denial. 20 years later. Now I'm 36. Time flies. That's crazy. It surprises me every day that my younger-self was able to survive your death. When things don't go my way, I would tell myself that in order to keep the mind in check.  Bike dropped 100 feet below somewhere I almost died on Tuesday, August 15, 2023. I went mountain biking for the first time with friends on a strenuous trail.
The mountain bike didn't fit me. I got it for free from one of my I Junk It clients. The bike was good for a tall person with small feet. My toes kept hitting the front tire every time I turned. I was focused on the bike and trail. Almost halfway from the trail, I was biking downhill. It was rocky. I panicked. My hands weren't on the handle grip. The bike and I jumped off the trail. At that moment, I thought I died. It was a blur. The bike was gone. I was able to catch the edge of the cliff. It was a pause for me. I felt that my sister pushed me to the edge of the cliff. She saved me. Dear Future Girlfriend,
You love me for me. I don’t have a typical 9-5 job. I still live with my parents. I’m not financially stable. You never cared for society talking about me.  Rest in peace.
You died at 18 years old. I'm 36 now. 18 x 2 = 36. This marks the 20th anniversary of your death as well. 20 x 2 = 40. I'm close to 40 years old. Time flies. Hey sister. I miss you. I love you. You're still here in my heart. You're a single man looking for a lady. You say that you're open and kind. You communicate. She agrees with you. You say something. You're shut down by one mistake. That's it. You're not given a second chance.
You just don't know. Nothing works for you. Only the people with relationships know. Who knows? You went on a date with a lady. Everything was great until she asked money from you. It was tough for you to swallow. You told her, "Sorry I won't be able to." Then she ghosted you. You were talking to a lady from the Philippines through FaceBook Messenger for a year. You finally went on a date with her. You enjoyed the night. Then you came back home from the Philippines to the States. A friend told you to write a letter to her. You asked for her address. You mailed the letter. Then she ghosted you. I'm halfway from reading Suleika Jaouad's memoir, Between Two Kingdoms. At 22 years old, Jaouad's life changes once she's diagnosed with cancer. So far the book talks about life, death, and identity.
As I grow older, my identity changes. A friend told me to look back at your past for every decade in your life (not every year). I'm 36 years old. That's almost 4 decades of my life. Imagine if I get to connect and hangout with 26 year old self, 16 year old self, and 6 year old self. I would really love to. That would be highly unlikely.  Twin Peaks, San Francisco, California At the time, I would follow what I see and hear. I just went by the program. I had no idea what I wanted. I didn't have any drive or motivation for one passion. Because my anxiety and ego would stop me.
I had doubts. I didn't believe in myself. I had a low self-esteem. My younger-self would envision a better life by graduating from college, getting a high-paying job, buying a house, and starting a family. This was my dream. It's not what I wanted. Come to think of it, my life did have a purpose. It was jealousy. My younger-self wanted to be better than you. I hated it when you would succeed. The ego would take over my mind. It was unhealthy. My life still has a purpose. It has changed. It's survival now. I continue to work on my craft as well. Find your purpose in life.  You can't sleep. You can't function. You're not able to stop your racing thoughts. You're more worried and concerned about others than yourself.
Everything you do in life is for others. You believe you're being watched. You assume that the world revolves around you. You want perfection from yourself for the sake of others. You make a mistake. You put yourself down. You keep it a secret. You're embarrassed. You believe being honest and vulnerable is for the weak. You expect that you'll be hated or shamed from others. You get paranoid. You enjoy talking about yourself to others. You like to run the show. You talk about how great you are. Nothing else. You choose to please everyone. You have a hard time saying no to others. You assume that you won't be liked or belonged. You're hoping that people won't need your assistance. So you won't give them a straight forward answer. You're afraid to ignore them. You're pressured to say yes to others. What keeps you from saying yes is expecting something in return. Giving comes from the heart. |
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