I used to expect more from only a first date. I assumed it will be the best to remember if I ever have a deeper relationship with her. My young-self's mind was always dwelling in the past and overseeing the future.
My first so-called date was with Janine. I assumed it was a date in my mind. I was jumping for joy when she said yes. I was 16 years old at the time. This was a month after my sister passed away. I was grieving and mourning. I needed someone to comfort me. And I experimented it. She was a year older than me. She picked me up from my house. I was awkward about it. Because she's driving. But I realized I don't have a drivers' license yet. We went together to see a romantic comedy movie, Alex and Emma. I was overthinking during the so-called date. My anxiety kicked in. It was more of a meetup. It is the capacity and ability to exert any type of motion, action, power, work, or force through the mind.
According to Cambridge Dictionary, energy is defined as "the power and ability to be physically and mentally active." I heard about energy through playing video games during my childhood years. For instance, I played a Super Nintendo game, Street Fighter. I choose any character to fight against an opponent. Each competitor has an energy. Whenever my opponent attacks me, my energy decreases. Last person standing is the winner. I was defeated in combat whenever my energy was zero. "Habits often initiate routines. So for example, you might have a habit of answering an e-mail for an hour each day. And while you're answering e-mails, you're not totally on auto-pilot," James Clear, author of Atomic Habits, talks about habits in the Minimalists podcast. "You're thinking carefully about how to respond the message and so on. But it's often the habit. The automatic non-consciousness action of pulling your phone out of your pocket. That initiates the routine of responding the e-mail."
Clear also adds in podcast episode: "A habit must be established before it can be approved. And so the very first thing to do is to master the art of showing up. It's not to worry about the performance. It's not to worry about what the writing looks like." I like to nap and sleep. Because my body needs to rest, recover, and recharge in order to function and perform. I'm left with 14 hours in a day. I mentioned it in my previous blog entry, Priorities. I start my day by making my bed every morning. Before sliding into the DM (Direct Message) was introduced, AIM (American Online Instant Messenger) existed. I met first girlfriend through AIM.
Our relationship started when I AIMed her: "Hi, I am Marrianne's brother. You are my sister's friend." My sister passed away in 2003. I decided to AIM her friend 2 years later. Because I was 18 years old. And I was legal (and ready) to AIM her. She was mysterious too. I was interested in getting to know her. And I wanted to date her. I assumed I might have a chance. Because I'm grieving and mourning from my sister's death. Her friend can comfort me. And this thought came to mind. I believed her friend might judge me and my family from a tragedy too. Because my mind wasn't functioning and performing well. "Accidents are unexpected, undesired, unpredicted, anomalies that happen in our systems. They happen without warning," Todd Conklin talks in his podcast episode, Accidents Will Happen. "And what's amazing to me is that we built an entire mythology, and entire focal. I mean a big industry out of this under the belief that every accident is preventable."
Good and bad accidents occur. I never know when they will occur. Because I can't read the future. When I was a kid, I was taught to always be careful and aware of my surroundings. What did it mean? Because I realized I can't escape death. One of my Bumble dates lost her father from a car accident in 1995. She was only 6 years old at the time. My tennis and basketball coach dropped dead on his living room carpet on November 2018. His dog barked at him. And was terrified. I lost my sister from a tragedy on May 17, 2003. I have never witnessed an accidental death in front of my eyes yet. But I have experienced accidents from personal injuries throughout my life. It is an offering.
Many means and ways of giving. When I was a kid, I was taught to never talk to strangers. Because I might get kidnapped, molested, or killed. (They never said that. But you can see why.) I avoided beggars asking for help. (It made me look down upon them.) I only earned money through gifts, chores, and allowances from family, friends, and relatives. And received any brand new material goods, like toys, given to me from family, friends, and relatives. (Brand new material goods were purchased from money too.) I witnessed this way and mean of giving and receiving based on my childhood experience. I became what I saw and heard. "I think money is important. And I do really want to hear your reasons for that," Travis talks about it with his friend, Brandon, in their podcast episode, The Importance of Giving. "But maybe to just keep in mind as we move forward. You also can give up your time, effort, attention, love, and talent as well." I was told to give more than receive. Every time, I was offered a gift. I was taught to not accept it right away. I insert my debit card's chip facing up into ATM machine. And I leave it until machine tells me to remove it.
Because the machine is processing its transaction. I observe a man being frustrated. His phone is loading slow as he surfs the web. (I remember dialup connection was slow. It started from the 1980s to 1990s. We are used to high speed internet.) He keeps refreshing it. But his phone is not able to load the page. Because his phone is processing. My friend tells me a story of how he met a cute lady in Asia. It's similar to a romantic comedy movie. They both like each other. But time and distance are in the way. Because she is already seeing somebody. Relationships do come unexpectedly. He respects the lady. He'll be leaving. And he can't do anything. My friend will talk to me more about his story later. Because he is processing. I deadlift a career high at 275 pounds at only one rep. (I weigh 144 pounds.) I prevail it with an ugly form. After I finish the rep, I stop for a moment. Because my mind (and body) is processing. A friend sends me pictures of his delicious food in Malaysia. The number, 22:01, appears on my phone. I tell him you are only sending me videos. Because it is a duration time. I open the message. But 22:01 is when he sends it on my phone. (I set my phone as military time or 24-hour clock.) Because my mind is processing. During a hike, I like to stop and explore my surroundings. I also like to contemplate and ponder about life. Because my mind is processing. Uncle Romel took my sister's life on Saturday, May 17, 2003.
He was 31 years old while my sister was 18 years old. (I am 32 years old writing this to you.) A year and a half later, he wrote a letter to my 17-year-old self and my parents. We each had a letter from him. (That was 3 letters total.) And we were surprised. At the time, I was in denial. I was grieving and mourning. I was not able to function. I had no sense of purpose in life anymore. I could not accept my sister's death. I hated my Uncle. I wanted him dead. I wished somebody would torture and kill him. I expected him to feel the same pain and agony as how he stabbed my sister multiple times using a kitchen knife. "What do you want now?" I asked myself to his letter while my parents heard me. "What else do you want from us?" I didn't open his letter right away. Because anger took over my mind. I was swearing and cussing at his letter. Finally, it took me about 15 minutes to open his letter. I was curious. Because I wondered what exactly was his message to me and my parents. It was an apology letter. (Picture of his envelope and letter shown below. Dated on December 27, 2004.) I sleep about 8 hours every night. I take a nap for about an hour or two every day.
One day is 24 hours. About 10 hours of my time is from sleeping. My body needs to rest, recover, and recharge in order to function and perform. And I am left with 14 hours in day. It is being able to train my mind every single day, or else I will not be able to prioritize and minimize my time efficiently. (That is now a top priority in my life.) Because I choose my time. Every day is a challenge. I was first introduced about priorities by reading Greg McKeown's book, Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less. (I read it about a month ago. I am slowly applying it.) "Essentialism is not about how to get more things done; it's about how to get the right things done. It doesn't mean just doing less for the sake of less either," McKeown writes. "It is about making the wisest possible investment of your time and energy in order to operate at our highest point of contribution by doing only what is essential." I continue to declutter my room every day. It is still messy. My room is a work in progress. Decluttering takes time. It is a lifestyle. Because my mind is processing. (FYI, I plan on writing a blog entry about processing.)
In 2017, a movie, Minimalism: A Documentary About the Important Things, first introduced me to it. (My friend, Jon, told me about the movie.) I was astonished by this film, even though I was not ready to declutter at the time. I was on auto-pilot. I used to keep shopping in a consumerism country. I always bought a material good to fulfill my happiness. (I expected it would happen one day. But it never did.) The material good eventually gets old. I always bought a new one to replace it. Brand new items boosted my ego and confidence. I bought them to impress others. I was seeking validation and attention to others. My old items were left somewhere in home. Because I was still attached to them. Throughout my life, I did not realize I was always collecting "old and new stuff." Call it a cycle of cluttering. |
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