I'm single. And I'm okay with it.
I'm a man seeking a woman. I've been on dates. And I'm for it. (Because I'm still single.) Each woman I've met or approached is different in their own way. My sister passed away on May 17, 2003. I chose to be alone. Because I was ashamed and embarrassed by others from my uncle losing my sister's life. I did not want to become attached to others. Because I would feel the pain and agony again once they die. I was better off to be alone.
My younger-self wanted others to judge me. I thought I deserved it. I assumed choosing to be alone was weird. For instance, I was frightened to go to high school prom alone since I couldn't ask any girl out. Because of my severe anxiety. And I felt lonely. Because I lost a best friend too. I was isolated from the world. I was a useless person from losing a sister. I had no sense of purpose in life anymore. I had thoughts of committing suicide. But I chose not to do it. Because I didn't want to hurt others more. I hoped and wished I'll die one day. I prayed to God to take my life. I couldn't take it anymore. I wasn't able to accept my sister's death. I posted an old blog entry, The Game is in my Blood, on February 12, 2018. It's about picking up women too. But this is the updated version of it. Because I have grown and evolved from meeting women. I have always been nice to girls throughout my life. But I never expressed my feelings to them right away. They never came to me. My 26-year-old self decided to learn how to pick up women in 2012. Because I felt isolated from the world. And I thought being single was abnormal. "You're not actually connected with yourself," Sasha talks in his 5-minute YouTube video shown below. "You're not in alignment with who you are. You're not clear about what you want. You're just confused and lost. And you’re horny." I need money in order to live and survive.
I was told to study and work hard. And money will come to me. I graduated from Sonoma State University with a BS degree in Environmental Studies. I do not want to pursue it. I have worked multiple part-time jobs throughout my life. I have never experienced working any type of full-time job. My younger-self would be embarrassed and ashamed about it. Because of society. And a full-time job provides benefits. I like to work in an efficient way (to the point where I don't need 40 hours a week). I stay healthy. I'll start investing in my money once I reach a good amount of capital. And benefits from a full-time job won't be needed. I was told to get a girl. You need money. You must impress her. Life is an up and down journey.
I have no idea whatever comes my way will ever be right. My younger-self assumed I knew everything. Then I would hit a downward spiral. My depression and anxiety would kick in. I tried to forget about my mental health crisis. Because I was told to always be optimistic in life. But it would be impossible. I never wanted to acknowledge, realize, and accept my flaws and weaknesses. Because of my huge ego too. I started to sell used material goods through FaceBook Marketplace since last November.
I like to connect with my buyer as well. I try to satisfy my buyer on the purchased product. "If you are dissatisfied, you can get return it with a full refund," I tell my buyer. I began to declutter at this time too. I learned how to declutter from watching Netflix documentary, Minimalism. And reading Marie Kondo's book, The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing. And reading Greg McKeown's book, Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less. I continue to find more sources in decluttering. Because I like to keep learning. My way of decluttering is choosing to either donate, sell, recycle, or junk items. Decluttering and selling gave me an idea to start on a business. I offer two options to my client. A friend from Texas visited me this past week.
Her name is Aniecia. She's a sexy, attractive lady. And I was the first to call her as the X-Men superhero character, Storm. She does look like her. She recently started this new look. "You're a hot chocolate. And I'm melting right away," I told her. She laughed. I was told to never a chase a woman taller than me. And I was told to always go for a light-skin woman. Back in my elementary school days, I was surrounded by mostly Filipinos. And back in my Sonoma State University days, I was surrounded by mostly Whites. She is an Ethiopian mix standing at 5'7. While I'm only 5'5. I approached her 5 years ago in Vegas. And she was with a group of friends. She was turning 18 in two days at the time. She decided to round off her age. And tell me she was 18. Before sliding into the DM (Direct Message) was introduced, AIM (American Online Instant Messenger) existed. I met first girlfriend through AIM.
Our relationship started when I AIMed her: "Hi, I am Marrianne's brother. You are my sister's friend." My sister passed away in 2003. I decided to AIM her friend 2 years later. Because I was 18 years old. And I was legal (and ready) to AIM her. She was mysterious too. I was interested in getting to know her. And I wanted to date her. I assumed I might have a chance. Because I'm grieving and mourning from my sister's death. Her friend can comfort me. And this thought came to mind. I believed her friend might judge me and my family from a tragedy too. Because my mind wasn't functioning and performing well. It is an offering.
Many means and ways of giving. When I was a kid, I was taught to never talk to strangers. Because I might get kidnapped, molested, or killed. (They never said that. But you can see why.) I avoided beggars asking for help. (It made me look down upon them.) I only earned money through gifts, chores, and allowances from family, friends, and relatives. And received any brand new material goods, like toys, given to me from family, friends, and relatives. (Brand new material goods were purchased from money too.) I witnessed this way and mean of giving and receiving based on my childhood experience. I became what I saw and heard. "I think money is important. And I do really want to hear your reasons for that," Travis talks about it with his friend, Brandon, in their podcast episode, The Importance of Giving. "But maybe to just keep in mind as we move forward. You also can give up your time, effort, attention, love, and talent as well." I was told to give more than receive. Every time, I was offered a gift. I was taught to not accept it right away. Uncle Romel took my sister's life on Saturday, May 17, 2003.
He was 31 years old while my sister was 18 years old. (I am 32 years old writing this to you.) A year and a half later, he wrote a letter to my 17-year-old self and my parents. We each had a letter from him. (That was 3 letters total.) And we were surprised. At the time, I was in denial. I was grieving and mourning. I was not able to function. I had no sense of purpose in life anymore. I could not accept my sister's death. I hated my Uncle. I wanted him dead. I wished somebody would torture and kill him. I expected him to feel the same pain and agony as how he stabbed my sister multiple times using a kitchen knife. "What do you want now?" I asked myself to his letter while my parents heard me. "What else do you want from us?" I didn't open his letter right away. Because anger took over my mind. I was swearing and cussing at his letter. Finally, it took me about 15 minutes to open his letter. I was curious. Because I wondered what exactly was his message to me and my parents. It was an apology letter. (Picture of his envelope and letter shown below. Dated on December 27, 2004.) |
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